Sidewalks

Category: Relationships

Categories, unlike tags, can have a hierarchy. You might have a Jazz category, and under that have children categories for Bebop and Big Band. Totally optional.

  • Why Only The Happily Single Find True Love

    Why Only The Happily Single Find True Love

     

     

    When I was young and naive and didn’t know how to be alone and content on my own, I structured my whole life around this glittery, shiny lovely boy I had just met.

     Life seemed much easier when I was distracting myself with the idea of love and relationship. At the time, I didn’t know what it meant to love myself or how to be alone with myself.

     I didn’t like the idea of spending any time in solitude. It was scary. As a result, I wasn’t nurturing myself or growing as a person.

    It took me a while to realize I wasn’t happy with myself and my life, and I believed a relationship would change that, even when I knew in my gut that this wasn’t the right person or relationship for me. 

    I still couldn’t get myself to leave. I made up excuses to stay. It didn’t feel healthy at all. I compromised my values and romantic ideals just to have someone in my life. 

    On the surface, I was a strong, independent woman full of energy and opinions. But deep down, I cared only to be loved because I was so tired of being lonely. I just wanted to be loved. 

     The relationship was doomed to fail. People need a little space. I knew that. Yet, we spent day and night together, giving each other no room to breathe. I started to feel suffocated. As a result, I started to resent him and eventually made a move to escape.

    After that relationship ended, I took a break from dating and focused on becoming happier and stronger. 

    I took the time to build a life that I love and develop a relationship with myself, which meant doing hard things even when I didn’t feel like it, such as learning how to enjoy my company without needing to surround myself with people constantly. I discovered my likes and dislikes, took up new hobbies, and set boundaries to protect myself. 

    In the past four years, I truly valued being happily single and loving myself. Taking steps to improve myself and prioritizing my progress made me realize that: we cannot choose wisely when being single feels unbearable. 

    We have to be at peace with solitude if we are to have any real chance of starting a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

    If we don’t know how to be alone, we end up with the wrong people because we choose them out of the need for love and attention. That’s why many people find themselves in a relationship that makes them feel empty and drained. 

    Being single isn’t always as sweet as a piece of cake—especially when all the movies push the concept that you aren’t truly “complete” until you’ve found “the one .” 

    Having spent the past few years utterly single made me realize I am happy to be alone. It’s only when I am reminded by society that being alone is unbearable that I ever feel lonely.

    Until we are sure that being single can be just as secure, warm and fulfilling as being in a relationship, how will we know we choose to couple up for the right reasons?

    Now that I am in a healthy, fulfilling relationship, I genuinely feel that when I did meet my current partner, it wasn’t out of boredom, distraction, or to fill a void; because it added new value to my already complete and fulfilled life.

     

    xx

    Yachna

     

     

    Picture Credits: Pinterest

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Why We Lose Friends

    Why We Lose Friends

     

    A few months ago, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in years for coffee. As we were catching up on the lost time, mid-conversation, she held my hand, tears flowing down from her eyes, saying, “I miss you so much. You stop making friends after some point in life.” 

    Her words moved me deeply because, at that time, I had lost friends that were so special and precious to me. I was grieving the loss of dead friendships and naturally realized that the older we get, the more we need our friends—and the harder it is to keep them. And that our social circles grow smaller. And then one day, we suddenly find ourselves in the company of just a few familiar faces. 

    Now that I’m officially leaving my 20s, I feel older and wiser – at least wise enough to write this post. Over the years, I’ve outgrown many friendships I couldn’t imagine my life without. Now, they aren’t even part of my life. Those same friends I’ve known for years don’t know me anymore (and I don’t know them either). There were no fights. No drama. No hard feelings. We just grew apart. We all got busy in our lives. Our different life transitions, lifestyles and interests took us on different paths, and we couldn’t relate to each other anymore. 

    Some friendships just die. That’s the truth of it. Don’t try to fight it. Don’t let it make you angry. Don’t blame yourself or the other person or circumstance or anything else. Accept it for what it is.

    Through it all, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that change is the only constant thing in life. And sometimes, separation is just a necessary part of growth for everyone involved. 

    I am still fond of those friends and the time we spent together, but I can’t go back to that as we are different people now. Truthfully, it wasn’t that we stopped caring about each other. We can’t relate to each other and the version of self that was friends with them.

    And you know what the strangest part is? It’s so much more peaceful to have a few friends. Past few years, as I intentionally started to withdraw from people, the more I learned about myself. And the more I learn about myself, the more people I lose. 

    And again, this doesn’t mean that your early twenties friendships were meaningless, vain, or shallow. I am grateful to have experienced such beautiful and deep friendships, but I also experienced a lot of pain and loss in these friendships.

    It’s not easy. I was thinking to myself while writing about this: What about all the good times and memories and love I’ve shared with these people? Doesn’t that matter?

    Of course, it matters. 

     At the same time, you need to let go with grace. People grow and change, and you grow apart more often than not. Don’t let the bitterness of broken friendships poison your soul. Wish them love, wish them well, and know that all the love you gave them was real and is for their keep for life. 

    Finally, leaving you with these wise words from my favourite rapper Tupac, “Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”

     

    xo

    Yachna

     

    Have you ever lost a precious and dead friend? What did it feel like? Share below <3

     

    P.S.

    10  signs you that its time to breakup with a friend

     

  • A Love Letter to Women

    A Love Letter to Women

     

    Hello Readers,

    How are you doing?

    In the past couple of months, a lot has changed.

    Moving back home to the Philippines, saying goodbye to the people I love so dearly in Canada, going through friendship breakups, and building a business from scratch. I mean, it’s a LOT.

    Some stages have been grindingly hard and emotional. On the outside, everything looks perfect. But, on the inside, I have been struggling with loneliness, low self-confidence and self-doubt. The past few weeks have been a lot of crying alone in my car, feeling utterly alone and isolated in my struggles.

    And then, a few days ago, going through my notes, I found this note I had written last April to make myself feel better. With tears flowing from my eyes, I read the words that brought me so much comfort while giving me the strength to walk into the unknown. Sharing this with you in case you need it too…

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

    You are already the ray of love and warmth you wish dearly to be.

    You have always been the woman you wanted to be- artistic, beautiful, creative, insanely kind, caring, soft-hearted, comforting, and warm.

    You have been hurt so many times and it’s so see beyond that pain.

    I lose myself in the pain, grief, numbness, anger, resentment, and distrust caused by one disappointment after the other.

    I understand it’s just the universe giving me no choice but to rely on my self-love instead of love from others, but it does hurt how under-appreciated I am.

    You are disappointed things didn’t work out as you wanted them to. It’s okay to feel sad and disappointed.

    Soon, you’ll be thankful that you didn’t get what you thought you wanted because there was something better in store for you.

    Women deserve better.

    You deserve better than waiting for a man to show up for you and do the bare minimum. It’s better to be alone than with a man next to you who’s not on the same wavelength as you.

    Your heart is soft and tender and deserves to be treated with kindness and gentleness.

    If your life has to have any meaning, then you have to live it. You are the writer of your story; make it a great one. It’s time for you to become the star you already know you are.

    Keep investing time in yourself and learn to be strong alone. You’ve been alone for most of your life. You have picked yourself up on the days when you felt like not waking up. That was all you.

    So now that you know what you are capable of, you cannot let your self-worth depend on anyone.

    Since you are so sensitive and have such a soft and gentle heart, you are its most fierce protector. Because if you don’t protect yourself, then who will?

    Just don’t lose confidence in yourself. Because if you lose it, no one else will have confidence in you. You are the only person who can make yourself feel better and treat yourself the best.

    You spent your 20s carving a place for yourself with your blood, sweat, and tears. You show the rest of us through your strength and pioneering spirit that we, too, have a chance. You lead the way for us all to walk the paths that have never been taken and instead teach us all how to live free. YOU ARE NOT ANYTHING WRONG. You should be proud of everything you have done ALONE, unlike them.

    If no one has said to you before, here it is: I am proud of the woman you are becoming. I hope you are too.

     

    xo

    Yachna



  • 5 Things I Learnt This Year

    5 Things I Learnt This Year


    2023 is here already!!! :O

    Where has the time gone? 

    Even though I am not big on NYE, there’s something sentimental about closing out a new year and beginning the next. This year I decided to follow the Japanese culture of cleaning the home ahead of the New Year. The idea is to deep clean your house remove any broken/damaged items and clothing, and clean off all the dust and dirt so as not to carry it into the new year.

    Since 2023 is here, now seemed like a good time to slow down and reflect on all the time that has passed. Here are five things I have learned this year, recorded in my phone now to the blog in the hope that I remember them in the years to come. 

    l) We Are All Alone

    One of the saddest yet most sobering and powerful realizations is that you’re on your own. No matter how many friends you have. No matter how much love you receive, it’ll always be you in this life. There’s so much power in accepting this. Not even in the pessimistic sense. Don’t let it break you. Let it empower you and lift you. Even if you have no one, you have yourself. Plan and improve yourself. Move forward. 

    2) Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

    Have you ever wandered on purpose? An essential part of living is always to maintain your curiosity. To wander just for the sake of wandering is an act of curiosity. It’s an opportunity to rekindle your curiosity. Remember the sheer joy of discovery you experienced as a child when you learned things just because you were curious? Wandering around is an opportunity to slow down, listen to your heart, and discover what matters most.

    3) You Stop Making Friends After Sometime in Life 

    A sad but an unavoidable fact of life is that we lose friends as we age. I won’t speak for everyone. I’ll speak for myself. As I got older and acquired more responsibility, I got busier. That made me picky with who and how I spent my time.

    You’ll realize that you have stopped making new friends at some point. I am not saying it doesn’t happen. But making meaningful and genuine friends becomes really, really, really hard. 

    And while we are on the topic of time passing…

    4) Make Friends With Change 

    What will the unknown bring? Will we be able to adapt? The fear of the new can stop us from taking chances altogether – even if they could open new doors for us. Fear of change can be explained in one sentence: “what if I fail?.” We were conditioned to believe that we should not fail at anything. But let me ask: is this the way you want to live? This year I learnt and experienced that embracing change is more fulfilling than playing safe.

    5) Let Love Be Your Guide 

    When something feels fantastic, do more of it. Start with your peace, your love, and your compassion. Go from there. Allow your heart and soul to walk you home. Love everything and have faith that it will never lead you astray. 

    Thank you so much for being here, whether you’re a regular reader or are just stopping by. I am grateful for this beautiful small community. Happy New Years. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs and kisses. 

    xo

    Yachna 

     


  • 36 Questions To Fall in Love

    36 Questions To Fall in Love


     

    What if dating was as simple as getting to know another person?

    Dating doesn’t have to be a game. It can be as simple as getting to know another person. Discovering the depths of another person is only possible when we show up as our true selves, but we must be willing to let our true selves be seen too. 

    How honest are your dating experiences, really? Lose the games. To make it easier, we’ve compiled 36 honest questions to fall in love 🫶

    Now, take turns answering and asking each question. How do you win? Stay honest. 

    Level 1 

    For what in life do you feel most grateful?

    What are you feeling a lot lately?

    Who in your life do you feel most yourself around? Why?

    What is something new you’ve learned about yourself recently?

    What part of your job energizes you the most? Leaves you the most drained?

    What about you has felt repeatedly misunderstood by others, if anything?

    What are you overthinking right now?

    What’s a non-negotiable in your life?

    What does friendship mean to you?

    What did the people who raised you teach you about love? How has that shaped your views on love today?

    Which one of your parents’ personality traits do you want to keep? Let go of?

    If you could change anything about how you were raised, what would it be? Why?

     

     

    Level 2 

    How do you define dating?

    Describe your worst heartbreak. What did it teach you?

    Has sex ever been a deal breaker in your past relationships? Explain. 

    Have you ever considered an open relationship? Why or why not?

    Do you have any unconventional opinions when it comes to romantic relationships?

    When was the last time you ghosted someone, and why?

    What was the worst date you’ve ever been on?

    What dating advice would you give your younger self?

    What’s the hardest part about dating you?

    How has your view on love evolved, if at all?

    What have you tolerated from others that you no longer have space for?

    What has being single taught you about yourself?

    I know I really like someone when (fill in the blank)

    Share something you typically wouldn’t do on a first date. 

    How emotionally available do you currently feel? 

     

     

    Level 3 

    What do you think I was like in high school?

    Just by looking at me, what do you think I do for a living?

    What was the first thing you noticed about me when we met in person?

    What are your three favourite physical features of me? Write them down and read them out loud. 

    What about me intrigued you besides my physical appearance?

    What do you think my type is? Describe in detail. 

    How many relationships do you think I’ve been in? How many times have I been in love? Explain.

    What do your friends know about me, if anything?

    For what in life do you feel most grateful?

     

    Share this with someone who needs it <3

     

    xx

    Yachna

     

    (Pics in the order they appear: Pinterest, ‘Hands’ by Tony Belobrajdic, Sundays are for lovers.)

     

     



  • 12 Sexy Ques To Spark Your Date Night

    12 Sexy Ques To Spark Your Date Night

     

    Are you too guilty of spending too much time mindlessly scrolling through your phone? A few days ago, I went out for dinner at a restaurant and noticed so many couples out for dinner, sitting in silence, faces lit up by the screens of their phones. 

    I am guilty of doing the same with my family or friends. It made me realize that my phone addiction is taking so much time away from being present in my life. It’s easy to get lost in other people’s stories while forgetting to live and love our own.

    We are slowly losing the art of communication, creating deep loneliness within us. I miss my flip phone days. No mindless scrolling that often leaves me uninspired. Now, texting is much easier than picking up the phone and calling someone. I hate that I am guilty of it.

    We are all secretly craving time to slow down. To feel a lot more calmer and relaxed. To have more time to sit and read a book. Reconnect with your people. And to be creative.

    Conversations are so important. Whether you’re a couple or just “close friends,” spark up your date night with these 12 sexy questions- 

    1. If we were role-playing an intimate evening, what characters would we be?
    2. What part of my body do you like the most?
    3. What part of your body are you most proud of?
    4. What is something better than sex?
    5. What would you do if you could take off a month of work and responsibilities?
    6. What thing about me turns you on the most?
    7. Does size really matter?
    8. What does food porn mean to you?
    9. Tell me a time when you felt really close to me.
    10. What was your first impression of me?
    11. What song puts you in a sexy mood?
    12. Other than your lips, what is your favourite part of your body where you like to be kissed?

    Thoughts? Would you ask any of these? What are your tips to spark up a date night? I’d love to know in the comments. 

     

    P.S.

    14 questions to get to know your crush on a deeper level <3

     

    (Pic Credits Itzan Escamilla and Ester Exposito)



  • 10 Life Lessons I Learnt in My 20s

    10 Life Lessons I Learnt in My 20s

     

    When I turned 20, an older friend told me it was my time to explore. I had ten years to learn, grow, experiment, and push my limits. 

    In a few months, I turn 30. In the last ten years, I’ve travelled the world, quit my job, dated all the wrong ones, cried my heart out, suffered many losses, and created a career as a writer — something I could’ve never imagined. 

     It’s easy to forget that most of these changes didn’t happen overnight. We rarely ever wake up one day and suddenly notice these wild, life-altering changes in ourselves. 

    My 20s were a wild rollercoaster ride. Here are some ten life lessons I’ve learned:

     

    1) Without rain, nothing grows

    It’s inevitable to meet unexpected situations in life. Life rarely goes as planned. Even if you bring an umbrella, you’ll end up getting wet. So, dance in the rain. Embrace the storms of your life. 

    Remember, rejection is redirection. Keep moving forward and creating new doors. Preach your success from mountain tops. Because with hard work, determination and passion, the sky is the limit. 

     

    2) No one truly cares about you 

    I spent my early 20s chasing the people who didn’t care about me and giving no time to those who loved me the most- my family. Why do we ignore the people who care about us and care about those who ignore us?

     Most people do not care about you. As harsh as it may sound, it’s the truth. I learned this after my dad passed away. It doesn’t have to be sad but liberating, so we too can stop obsessing about what other people think.

     

    3) Be your hero

     Nobody is coming to save you. No one is coming to pay your bills, get you a better job, or fix your health. Wake up. Take responsibility for everything in your life. Be your hero. That’s where you start.

     

    4) Do it alone. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it scared. Just do it!

    Six months ago, I quit my corporate job to pursue writing. The decision wasn’t an easy one. The only value that dreadful job provided me was financial comfort and safety. Now, I wake up excited and don’t dread Mondays. That, to me, is success. 

    One day, we are all going to die. Life is too short to be working jobs we hate. While your legs are strong and your mind is clear, it’s never too late to follow your interests, curiosities, and passions.

    Start a blog. Write a book. Share your voice with the world. Use your imagination to bring fresh and exciting things to the world. Do not leave it to others to choose your destiny. Make a plan, and work toward it. Take little steps every day, consistently. Never give up on your dreams, even if the whole world turns its back on you. 

     

    5) You’re going to be lonely

    When I look back at myself in my 20s, what I remember the most is being alone and lonely. Rarely, if ever, does anyone ask you, “how was your day?”

    You are no longer coming home to home-cooked meals. I wasn’t even coming home to anyone. I remember the frequent nights I cried in my room alone, staring at the depressing brown wall wishing I wasn’t feeling the way I was.

     Those lonely cold nights taught me to be strong alone. It made me wise, mature and fearless. 

     

    6) Most friendships don’t last

    Most friendships don’t last forever. There will come a time when you’ll naturally drift away from all your friends. You grow and evolve. You’ve moved on with your life, and so have your friends. It’s not their fault or that they are bad people. It’s just life. 

     

    7) You are going to feel lost

    For the longest time, I had my whole life figured out. In the last six months after quitting my job, I travelled. I met people who inspired me. I spent time reading and learning new things. 

    Of course, there were many days when I felt lost, not knowing what step to take next. But, not for a second did I regret having taken time off from my life in Canada to enhance my writing further. 

    This time to do nothing was essential for the journey I am embarking on. Have I achieved all that I wanted to do by taking this gap? No. Not even close. 

    None of this would have happened if I didn’t feel lost. We need to feel lost…to know there is a path to take…we learn in the dark..then bring in the light.

     

    8) Travel alone

    A few years ago, I wanted to go to Costa Rica. I asked all my friends. None of them could make it. So, I decided to go alone. I ended up staying in a beautiful villa deep inside a rainforest, sharing the space with other 20s-something travellers from Europe. It was so exciting to meet people from different cultures and live together under one roof. It was one of the best trips of my life. 

    Book that flight. Explore your favourite city. Don’t deny yourself the most memorable life experiences, even if everyone else says no. 

     

    9) Love yourself first

    No one will love you if you don’t love yourself first. It’s healthy to spend time alone. Take yourself out on dates. Schedule some alone time as much as possible because that’s the only way to get to know yourself on a deeper level. 

    Listen to happy/nostalgic songs, watch a funny film, make something, or take a walk. In other words, don’t wait for someone else to offer you the love you want and deserve. Start being intentional about how you love yourself. It makes all the difference.

     

    10) Honor yourself

    Listen to your mind, body and soul. Give it what it needs. Do the things that make your body feel good. Take your time moisturizing your skin every morning. Run. 30 mins a day. Stretch it out. Meditate. Here’s an app for meditation that’s been a game changer for me. 

     

    How old are you now? What life lessons have you learnt in your 20s? What advice would you give to your younger self? I’d love to hear in the comments below. 

     

    xx

     

    Yachna



  • 29 And Single? Own it!!

    29 And Single? Own it!!

    One person is all that everybody needs. That one true love which makes our world go around. That person who lights up our world and makes it magical.

    Ever since I was a little girl, I heard one message louder than the others: finding a man and settling down was the epitome of a woman’s accomplishment.

    I turn 29 today, and I am still…single. And, I can confidently say that I am happy. And, believe me when I say happiness is a journey. Not a destination. However, in the past few months I spent in India, every family member, relative, and even an immigration officer had only ONE thing to say: “you are 29 now. It’s time to find someone and get married, now!!!

    So naturally, I do feel the pressure of finding the one. Not because I want to, but because it doesn’t help either that most of my friends are engaged, married, expecting children or already mothers! So, I am told I am the only one left behind. As if it’s some race. It isn’t, but it sure seems like it.

    I am even told that “being picky and choosy at this age doesn’t work” and that I must compromise and agree to the next best thing…else before I realize I will be 35 + single and hating my life.

    The message is loud and clear that no matter what a woman accomplishes, her worth measures down to this one thing: finding a man.

    Marriage and motherhood are not every woman’s calling. I hate that we, women, are told that we will never, ever, have a shot at love and will be deemed ‘unworthy’ by the time we’re 30 if we choose to stay single.

    STOP telling women that marrying the next best thing is the ONLY real accomplishment. And that women who choose to stay single are looked at as failures.

    Don’t get me wrong…

    I am not against marriage. We are all wired for love and companionship. But, it needs to be done for the right reasons because I found the right person to share my life with, not in desperation that I am approaching my 30s and definitely NOT because all my friends are married and have kids.

    There are so many unhappy and broken marriages that need never have happened. There is no reason why you, or any particular woman, should marry at any time if you don’t feel like it – let alone before 30 years old. You don’t need a man to complete you. You want only one man who complements you.

    Ladies! Don’t subscribe to society’s limitations. There’s no time limit, and there are no rules to this life. Travel as far as you can. Fall in love with the different cities. Meet people with a different point of view. Create a life you are proud of. Focus on your dreams, and your dreams will focus on you. Focus on a man, and he’ll focus on another woman.

    Don’t go through life trying to be small, accomodating, and being a convenience for others. Pour all your energy into becoming a confident, independent, and high-value woman. We only live once. Do it your way and on your terms.

    Be fierce. Be fearless. Speak up even when your voice shakes. Own your power by reminding yourself that you write your life stories, nobody else. Let them call you a rebel for it!

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    Heartwarming stories of love, & comforting post for broken hearts.

    (Featured Image by sheseesthestars)

  • 8 Psychologist-Backed Ways To Move On After A Break Up

    8 Psychologist-Backed Ways To Move On After A Break Up

    When I was 22, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years of dating. One summer afternoon after our lunch date, he abruptly ended the relationship. No fights. No arguments. “We can’t be together anymore.” It was as simple and as complicated as that. 

    My heart was shattered. I had convinced myself that I would never be happy again. How could I ever love someone else again? His sense of humour, his love and affection for me, the way he’d do silly things to make me laugh. 

    That day I learnt that the easiest thing that can change in the world is a person’s heart. 

    First, there’s a denial period. Then, those jolting 2 am reminders leave a lingering pain. Those long sleepless nights where you are struggling with the what-ifs. 

    “You are better off without him” your friends comfort you, but you don’t feel better off. You stalk his social media ten times a day because self-destruction is now your middle name. 

    Heartbreak hurts, even when it’s the best thing, even when we know it’s right, and even when we aren’t sure.

    Since wallowing and eating nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza is only fun for an hour. Here are eight things I have learnt, including thoughtful words from people wiser than me. I hope they bring you comfort too-

    1) Listen to the beat of your heart

    Your friends know you the best. Lean on them. Some friends might suggest you swear off dating altogether, while the others might set you up with a rebound situationship. Only you know what feels right for you. Follow your heart and your intuition because they guide you towards the light. 

     

    2) It’s okay to not be okay

    Nothing compares to the sadness and emptiness you feel when going through a broken heart. Nobody knows how many pieces you have to put back together or how many nights you spend wondering what went wrong. 

    Not only are you mourning the loss of love and partner but also the life that you had planned together. These feelings don’t disappear overnight. In the words of Lao Tzu, “nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished.” So, let the pain consume you…and then heal you. 

    3) Nurture your body

    Your body is a temple. Worship it. You feel the grief of the heartbreak in your body. It was an incredible way of getting over the breakup. Working out releases the same chemicals you do when you are in love.

    4) Connect with something bigger

    Go out for a long walk in nature. Release your emotions in your journal, practise daily meditation, read a book, join a yoga group or take up gardening. Connect with something bigger than yourself…and suddenly everything seems small. The goal is to take up anything that makes you feel rejuvenated and grounded. Doing this creates space for new, fresh, beautiful things again.

    5) Give yourself a break 

     The painful memories of anger, resentment, guilt, and shame will hit you like a whirlwind. Forgive yourself and your partner for all the things that went wrong. You learned a lot from each other. Value your time together and let it go. Even though it’s over, it hadn’t been a waste. Every day is a gift, so make a decision … to no longer fill moments of your life with unproductive emotions that drain your energy. 

    6) Take yourself out on dates

    Convince yourself to spend alone time with yourself. Go for a solo road trip with no destination. Explore a new city. There’s something arriving in a stranger city wandering empty streets with no destination.  Do whatever it is that sparks your soul. And, do it by yourself. This time that you spend recreating yourself will be the most challenging and most rewarding time of your life. 

    7) Remember: you are not alone

    Countless people are going through the pain of heartbreaks. A few of my friends who were familiar with the woes of a breakup shared their worst breakup stories with me. And then, I discovered an interesting love column called Modern Love, where there’s an essay on all kinds of heartbreak situations. I felt less lonely in my heartbreak, knowing that countless people have gone through devastating breakups, nasty divorces, and betrayals.

    8) You’ll be happy again.

    When you’re heartbroken, it’s hard to imagine ever feeling differently. But, one day, the sun will shine again, warming up your heart. And, you will realize that you are much stronger and more beautiful as a result of this breakup.

    Sharing this beautiful quote by Nayyirah Waheed – 

    “Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

     

    What advice would you add? Have you gone through a breakup recently? Are you going through one right now? If so, I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending you the biggest hugs!!! It’s the worst!! I promise you’ll get through this. 

    xo

    (Pic Credits from top to bottom: Meghan Diniz, 90scigarettes, & livingwildmoments. )

  • 10 Surprising Reasons You Fear Intimacy

    10 Surprising Reasons You Fear Intimacy

    Isn’t finding love and happiness considered the pinnacles of life goals?

     Endless research suggests that the key to happiness is in the quality of your relationships. We spend years to find where our hearts belong. 

    When we finally get the answer, sometimes we can’t help but run away in fear. 

    “It’s good to be true,” we tell ourselves; the self-destruction begins. 

    Painful memories, messy breakups, and unhappy childhood memories lead us to push away those we love the most often without meaning to. 

    Having a fear of intimacy and letting someone is entirely normal, especially if you’ve had several failed relationships or have emotionally distant parents. 

    We spend so much time in indecision. Contrary to what we have been fed all our lives, opening yourself to someone and being vulnerable is not for the faintest of hearts.

    With that being said, here are 10 surprising signs that you might be suffering from a fear of intimacy.

    1) Abandonment Terrifies You

    Fear of intimacy stems from the unresolved fear of abandonment. Those who grew up with emotionally distant parents then you’re most likely to develop this fear. You create a positive view of yourself but a negative view of others. You think to yourself, “the only person I can truly count on is myself.” You feel it’s always better to leave first before someone leaves you behind, again. It’s easier to not let people in because then it won’t hurt when they leave. You struggle with long-term romantic commitment and, in some cases, even friendships. 

    2) You’ve Never Been in a Relationship

     …and it’s terrifying. If you’ve never been in a relationship, the idea of sharing deep personal intimacy and vulnerability can seem overwhelming and scary to the point where you feel like it’s better to stay single than to have any lover’s woes. 

    3) You Are Fiercely Independent

    Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being independent. After all, who doesn’t want to be self-sufficient, knowledgeable, and competent? But, you should also know when to ask for help. Being too independent, you take pride in never needing anything from anyone. In many ways, it makes you feel in control of your life and helps you keep an emotional distance from people. You never allow yourself to depend on anyone or need them. Your independence gives you the freedom of keeping everyone at arm’s length. 

    4) You always fall for the wrong one

    Do you have a history of falling in love with the wrong people? Do you find yourself attracted to emotionally distant and unavailable people? Maybe abusive, unfaithful, and rude too? Picking partners that are not healthy can be seen as a sign of fear of intimacy because it allows you to not get too close to a person. You may find dark, damaged, and aloof people more appealing because you don’t have to worry about a stable and secure relationship with them. You also turn away people that offer security and stability. 

    5)  You feel you ‘should’ be dating

    You feel pressured because of the assumption you ‘should’ be dating at this point because you’re in your late 20s or even 30s. You’re just a happily single person. You find yourself fearing and running away from relationships. Know that it’s completely normal, and you’re not alone in feeling this. 

    6) You tend to be flaky 

    Being flaky means committing to do things but rarely following through with them. When people get close to you, your instinct is to push people away. Have you ever shared something personal and intimate about yourself with a person and then ghosted them? Having an honest and emotional conversation with someone scares you. So, you try to keep your distance by not getting too close to them. When someone comes too close to you, you can’t help but run away in the opposite direction. 

    7) You’re a perfectionist 

    If you’re a perfectionist, then chances are you have a tough time letting others see the flaws in you. You’re afraid you might be rejected because of them, or maybe you are too scared to even admit to yourself that you have any flaws in the first place. You tend to intimidate people by always putting up a perfect front. People may even find it hard to match up to your level. Keeping up with the show helps nobody here. Remember to be open and vulnerable with people you care about. Choose to trust them enough to see and accept your flaws. 

    Have you heard of the Japanese concept of ” wabi-sabi”? It is about loving what’s flawed, asymmetric, and often broken. It’s a view or thought of finding beauty in every aspect of imperfection in nature. It is to come over our tendency to have superiority and inferiority complexes. By this, I mean that this “self” you will love is an imperfect entity constantly changing. 

    8) The Ghost of your past relationships

    Has this ever happened to you: you’ve had many different healthy intimate relationships, and none of them ever works out? You find yourself giving hope that you’ll ever find someone. With each breakup, your faith gets dimmer in finding your “the one.” 

    9) You are a workaholic

    When you’re practically married to your job, it leaves no room for any serious relationship whatsoever. Or, you focus on work too much because it helps you divert your attention from having to confront your personal issues. Your career has become an excuse to not form any healthy, long-lasting relationships. People afraid of intimacy find it easier to pour all their energy into work to avoid committing to something serious. If you are a workaholic, then ask yourself: is this the reason why?

    10) You sabotage your relationships

    It goes without saying that if you fear intimacy, then you sabotage your relationships. This self-destructive behaviour only robs you of the opportunity to have a happy and healthy relationship. You may be doing this unknowingly by not expressing your feelings to others. Or you deliberately doing things you know could upset or hurt the people you love. Did you know that research shows that people who cheat on their partners have a deep fear of intimacy?

    By the time we recognize these patterns in ourselves, we are already set in our ways. Healing from our emotional baggage is a long process. It can take years to fully let go of things that weigh us down. However, it doesn’t always have to be this way. With diligence, support, and awareness, you got this. The journey of thousand miles begins by simply taking the first step. The first step here is simply noticing the signs. 

    Did you find yourself nodding along to any of these signs? Now that you recognize these signs in you, are you finally ready to overcome this damaging fear of intimacy? Did you have anything else to add? Let us know in the comments below. Do not forget to send this to anyone who can benefit from this.

     

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    How do you know it’s time to walk away from that draining relationship?

    (Featured Image Veryrealfasntasy)