Categories, unlike tags, can have a hierarchy. You might have a Jazz category, and under that have children categories for Bebop and Big Band. Totally optional.
It’s the middle of the day, friends surround me, and the sun is out.
But something isn’t right.
There is this feeling, a very uncomfortable feeling in my mind, in the pit of my stomach. I want to leave and go somewhere that is quiet and dark. My thoughts are consuming me. So dark and so monstrous, I was afraid. It’s wrecking me from the inside out.
What would you do if you had to relive your worst life experience over and over until you die?
To always be stuck in the time leading to your most traumatic experience and reliving it repeatedly?
It’s the very definition of hell.
A few months ago, I came across a stranger whose story needs to be shared with the world.
Let’s call him Eleven.
Eleven is a 40-year-old single father of a teenage daughter. Struggling to find a steady income all his life, he has been a part of the criminal justice system, in and out of custody for criminal offences such as petty theft to survive. “I steal food to feed my daughter,” he told me as he struggled to hold back his tears. “I wish I wasn’t the way I was. Sometimes, I wish it never happened. For just one moment of life, I want to forget it happened.”
Starting at the age of six up until his early teens, he was sexually assaulted by several women who were his mother’s friends.
“She invited these women friends of hers to our house and would let them do things to me.” his voice trembling as tears rolled down his cheeks.
Eleven found it impossible to keep a steady job for longer than a few months due to mental health issues that followed after years of sexual trauma by his mother.
As an adult, he experienced divorce, poverty, homelessness and mental trauma that scarred him for life enough to drive anyone to a dark and dangerous place.
“I ran away when I was 13. Homeless. I had nobody. Who would listen to me?”
Now, 40. Eleven tried to kill himself on his 30th birthday. It wasn’t the first time he contemplated suicide. “I was seven when these thoughts first started to occur to me. I didn’t know what it meant. I just felt a rage within me. I can’t even describe how angry I was to be still alive.”
Elevens said he felt separate from society with sadness and desire not to be a part of this world. “I would wake up every single day and (think), ‘I can get up. I can brush my teeth, or I can kill myself. I can go to work today, or I can kill myself.’
He said he felt trapped, horrible, disgusted about what happened to him. He said all he wanted to do was cry. “I was constantly feeling trapped in my mind, and I felt helpless because I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
He told me that most people with mental illnesses feel that way constantly. “It devours us completely. It eats our insides away until we are nothing but bones. Fear controls us.”
We may know what it’s like to be in life someone else’s life. We may not even understand it. Can we all agree that we are all humans going through different human experiences?
I noticed Eleven was smiling a lot as we talked. He was such radiant and positive energy to be around. When I asked him how he coped with the heaviness of life, he smiled at me and said, “laughter is my coping mechanism.”
Let’s make people feel less alone in their struggle — to help them understand you’ve been there, too, and it’s going to be all right. Let’s be empathetic because we struggle mentally as we struggle to understand what’s next for us.
That day I learnt from my conversation with Eleven that “a day without laughter is a day wasted.”
A few weeks ago, My uncle, who rarely ever got sick, was taken suddenly taken to the hospital over a bit of discomfort that the doctors assured was a non-issue. He woke up every day since doing better, maybe feeling a little sluggish but nothing out of the ordinary. And within days, he was tested positive for the coronavirus, and weeks later, like hundreds of others- has died.
“Hey, Are you ok?” my friend reached out to me one afternoon after hearing the news of my uncle passing away. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks more than I’ve in the past three years. No, I wasn’t ok. The crippling wave of sadness and grief took over my family and continues to reside there. Having lost my father to cancer a few years ago, the news of my uncle tragically passing away at such a young age brought me to my breaking point. Another piece of my childhood just vanished into thin air. No final good-byes. No parting words to comfort me. Only deafening silence.
I felt over-powered by the all-consuming and heartbreaking sadness as I sat in the puddle of my tears unconsolable. I didn’t see a point in talking about this with anyone. I chose to withdraw from everyone. My decision to withdraw from everyone was to avoid those empty ‘you ok?’ Or ‘so sad’ comments. I found it hard to cope with this loss and didn’t have the strength to deal with anyone. The hardest part of losing some you love – is that you still have to get up the next day and ‘live.’
If you know a friend or family member who is struggling with losing a loved one, please be patient with them. Show them kindness and acknowledge their pain. They don’t want to feel good or laugh. They want to mourn and grieve the unbearable loss. Sit with them, be kind, and hold their hand while they slowly make their way out of the dreadful darkness. “Are you Ok?” can be the most thoughtful words you can offer to someone during this time.
After three years of losing my dad, I can honestly say that the pain doesn’t go away completely. It subsides. It fades. And, with a bit of help and time, we will all be ok.
It’s funny how a hallmark holiday can stir up such strong feelings in people- from cheesy, quirky lovey-dovey stuff to utter lonesome. With its beautiful flowers, presents, heart-shaped candies, and velvety decadent chocolates, it does precisely that. Regardless of your relationship status, I think you need to celebrate yourself, even if it’s just you. Especially if it’s just you.
Whether you’re celebrating today with a valentine, a galentine, flying solo or anything else- I hope you all feel love and spread love in your day.
If you’re single, you need to be your beautiful, cherished and funny valentine!
You need to cook yourself that delicious dinner, buy yourself beautiful flowers, wear your favourite dress, indulge in lots of chocolate (and I mean, a lot!!) and spoil yourself to a day of self-love.
As for me, I’ll be celebrating Valentines with my one true love: food.
Speaking of food, I reached out to some of our readers, asking them how they’d be spending this quarantine on valentine’s day and A LOT of their responses revolved around food too! Here are some of their answers-
“We’ve been together since 2018 and last year was our first Valentine’s Day together in one location, so we dressed up nice (we usually like to keep it casual almost always), so we made an effort and went out for dinner. This year, I would say it won’t feel any different as in we won’t be missing much because I will still get to eat good food with the person I love. All I need is a bomb dessert with my man. Being together is a blessing and luxury in the times like these, and we are grateful for that. When the quarantine started in March last year, I was stuck in Vienna for almost 4 months. Those were difficult months so just being together is a privilege. 😊” – Karaj
“Usually, we’ll dress up and go out for a fancy dinner, but this year with the lockdown in place in Ontario, we have our day planned a little differently. We’re driving to our favourite restaurants and will be grabbing appetizers, our main course and dessert at all 3 different ones, and then we will come home to a paint night and some champagne!” – Jasmeet
” I don’t think there’s much that I can give you!!! But, I think Alan and I are just gonna make the Tiktok pasta at home this year 😂 We usually don’t do anything except for just dinner at home anyway.” – Ellen
“So for Valentine’s Day, Brenda and I have sort of a whole weekend planned. Valentine’s day used to be really sad for me because I was in a bad car accident on that day five years ago. Now that we’re together, we try to celebrate our love and make the most of it. Friday, we are picking up dinner from Rosewood Foods as they are doing a Lunar New Years’ menu; we’ll also be watching Rupaul’s Drag Race and drinking some wine. Saturday, I’m making ramen for the first time from scratch, since it’s one of Brenda’s favourite meals and it’s so cold out! And on Valentine’s day, we will be sleeping in, probably having mimosas and a romantic dinner of homemade ricotta gnocchi with pesto and a delicious chocolate cake.”- Andrea
“This year my boyfriend, Sachin and I are long distance. We’ve been dating for six years, out of which three years have been long distance, so I am not new to this. We’ve survived the distance before. Speaking of plans, our plans aren’t that exciting because we can’t be together but just knowing that there’s a special one to make me feel beautiful and wanted. Our plan is to facetime each other and just have a date where we cherish our moment, giggle over some lame jokes, and promise to be together through thick and thin. I plan to surprise him by sending him a small surprise with a cake and lots of love. But u know Valentine isn’t just meant a romantic partner, it’s for all the people we love- friends and family, so make sure to celebrate or wish all of your loved ones not just today but every day.”-Manpreet
“Vic and I are not that big on Valentine’s day. I think there’s so much more to a relationship and making it special than just buying roses and presents on one day in a year. For us, every day should be special. Instead, we do date nights every month. This valentine, we’ll just be spending baking. Before we got married Vic use to send me flowers and presents since we were long distance. And after we got married, we had one valentine together in which I was one month pregnant. Vic decorated the house, made me dinner and brought me presents. Later that night, I was taken to the hospital due to having a bad reaction to eating mangoes (this wasn’t the dinner. I was just eating fried mangoes for a week), And it’s a high risk to eat mangoes in pregnancy. So my body reacted to it very differently. It’s not because of pandemic we’re not celebrating. We just mutually decided to celebrate our love once a month by doing date nights, not only once a year.” – Henna
A few weeks ago, I asked my readers on Instagram to share their precious stories of love in less than 100 words inspired by The New York Times Column, Tiny Love Stories. To my surprise, several readers reached out and shared their lovely and delightful stories of love with me. Treat yourself to these short and sweet stories- one at a time.
“When thinking of a love story I’d like to share, I can’t help but immediately think of one. It was one that didn’t even work out but, it was so magical and special that it’s the one that makes me smile. Our first date was terrible, so awkward and uncomfortable at the end. I remember walking away thinking I would never go on another date with someone like that, ever again. I felt so bad inside. When I got home, I noticed he had texted. He said how sorry he was and how hard he was trying to think of something to say or do but was completely blank. We didn’t meet up again for months but when we did, it was so fun and so special and there was a connection. A connection. When his face touched my face, a connection. Away we went on the stupidity that was this relationship, up and down, off and on, to the end when it was done. It didn’t work, but when I feel it when I think it when I see it in my mind, I smile and its magic still warms my heart.” – Irene
“Our newest youth was a 14-year-old boy from Kugluktuk. We made endless paintings, and I let him cover my eyebrows with concealer. If we weren’t baking, we were dancing or playing hide and scare. I braided his hair almost every day until he was moved to another group home in Ontario. I went to a psychic a few years later who told me a boy thought about me a lot. I messaged him on Facebook, and now we talk at least 3 times a week.” –Janelle
“If you’d asked me what I came to do in this world, I’d say: I am born to create art. It all started with playing with clay as a child, which was just the beginning of exploring this magical world. There’s no specific moment or day I can pinpoint and say this is the day I fell in love with art. A nostalgic memory on my canvas or a cute dragon tattoo on an ankle, or my bestie’s face sculpture, I have felt the euphoric soul of life in my art. I remember this one time, I made art from all the candy in my fridge. It’s like reading poetry for people that love to read. That’s the best way I can explain it. My most hilarious, deeply personal, moving, unspoken word, unexplainable feeling manifests itself into the art I create. I live in my beautiful dream world and make art of it.” – Diksha
“The words ‘Love’ and ‘food’ are often used together. Evolutionarily and biologically speaking, we only eat when we feel a sense of safety. We won’t find a gazelle grazing the grasslands if it is aware of the lion’s presence. When we find ourselves stressed, we may notice either the absence or insatiability of our own hunger. ‘Food’ and ‘love’ are absolutely intertwined.
Our love affair with food is so intense that it is present in most of the highly impactful and greatest moments of our lives—i.e. first dates, romantic dinners, marriages, sexual moments, birthdays, funerals etc.
It would be hard to clearly define our’ love affair’ with food without realizing that ‘people don’t dine with an enemy.’ We dine with our friends, our families, to make deals, and to enjoy the process of connecting over food. Food is a symbol of safety, a symbol of comfort and a symbol of life itself.” – Kartik
“I didn’t always see my story as a LOVE story. It wasn’t until one recent late-night cruise that I realized that how much of an ungrateful turd I was not to see the love and support around me.
It has been extremely difficult for me transitioning from 2020. I fell back into unhealthy patterns and relapsed. However, I was no longer alone. I didn’t make the situation worse by reaching for a bottle as the solution. Instead, I relied on the immense amount of support coming from my friends.
I am definitely dramatic about this, but here it is:
I was like Captain America, standing alone, tired and discouraged, facing the impossible task of battling Thanos on my own. It’s then when my friends emerged behind me, taking on Thanos by my side. It never occurred to me that there are so many of them. They showed their love by not allowing me to go under. They love me too much to let me self-sabotage.
I am so grateful for each one of them! Romantic love is not the only love worth celebrating. Look around; there is love that accepts us at our worst. It’s easy to overlook yet fundamental to us. Anyways, to conclude my love story, we killed Thanos! Peace and Love.” – Magda
Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories.
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A clip-on lens kit for his phone that’ll be a great travel companion to him for $109.13.
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A sophisticated leather pouch that contains all his tech essentials including earbuds, flash drive, charging cable, phone stand, and more included for $26.95.
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Does your mind draw a blank when you’re talking to your crush?
So many thoughts rush to your head when you’re talking to your crush, one of the frequent ones being, “oh no, what do I say?”
Getting to know your crush can be an exciting and nerve-wracking feeling all at the same time. Sometimes, you may find yourself in awkward silence, not knowing what to say (no, thank you).
We, as humans, deeply desire emotional intimacy, which is why I have put together 14 questions to ask your crush. Grab some wine and cozy into these nostalgic conversations to connect with your crush on a deeper level.
HOT TIP: If your conversation takes a turn, and you aren’t sure where it’s headed, just listen. You always look like a great communicator when you listen.
1) Who is the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else?
It could be one of their family members, childhood friends, co-workers, or maybe even their hairstylists. Their answers could reveal the depth of their relationship with others and the kind of relationships they seek with others.
2) Where is your favourite place?
Everyone has a special place, a place where they go to disconnect from reality, clear their mind and connect with their deeper self; it could be their grand ma’s house where they spent their summers or only a place where they feel relaxed, or that special place perhaps is their dream city or a vacation spot.
3) If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Maybe your crush has always wanted to learn a musical instrument or a language? Upon asking this question to a friend, she immediately replied, ” I wish I had skipped school more often. I could have missed a day and still learned what I needed to.”
Get creative with this one 🙂
4) Complete the sentence: I wish I had someone with whom I can share…
Let yourself be surprised with this one! Maybe your crush is a foodie and wants to explore their love for food with someone. Or, they love dancing in front of the mirror and wished they had someone to share their goofy side with.
5) Share a positive characteristic you consider about your crush.
Tell them what you admire and respect about them. Giving compliments and being vocal about them deepens the bond between any two people almost instantly. Maybe you like that they are always on time, keep their word, or they make you laugh. Use this as an opportunity to compliment the things you like about them.
6) What’s the song you listen to on repeat? (<333333)
Listening to someone’s favourite song, it’s like mentally holding their hand. There is not a deeper intimacy than listening to your favourite music together.
7) For what in life do you feel most grateful?
Gratitude is an emotion that makes a person feel happier. Tap into the simplistic beautiful things of life by unlocking the magic in this question.
8) Do you have a favourite book? A line in a piece of literature? A poem? Why is it special to you?
My favourite!!
Maybe it’s a book that remained with them ever since they read it or a story that influenced their life somehow, or perhaps they love to read travel books to learn about different people and cultures around the world. Di
9) If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner ( dead or alive) who’d it be?
What a fun question! Your crush could name their favourite celebrity, a god, or it could be something more personal like a deceased loved one they wished to spend more time with.
10) If you could take one day off to do anything you want, how would you spend the day?
I once asked my friend this question curious to know how’d she spend her perfect day. Her response was so profound, “I would not like to do, I would just like to be. To have a planless day, to live in the moment, to enjoy the company of my loved ones unrushed, to stop and smell the flowers.”
Her response was of the most beautiful perspectives on the question.
11) What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
We are all so different from each other and it’s these differences that makes us so beautiful and unique. Asking someone what’s the most beautiful thing in the world invites you into your crush’s world perspective.
12) What would you consider to be your deepest fear?
We cannot know a person’s life and its challenges at a glimpse. We all carry our own deep fears and insecurities within us. Through this question, it opens up space for being vulnerable, leading to a more meaningful conversation.
13) If you died tomorrow, what would you wish you had done?
This question opens up a person’s deepest desires. Not always are we vocal about our dreams in fear of it being silly, made fun of or even leaving it for tomorrow. Life can be so unexpected. If we are brave enough to follow our heart, it leads us to a beautiful destination. This question could spark a little fire in both of you to carpe diem!!
14) What scene in a movie has evoked the most feelings out of you?
We all have a movie that has moved us, inspired and sparked an emotion in some way or other. It could be a character, story, theme or a mood. Watching that movie can make them slip into their little world. Discussing themes, plots and story of your movies will add on to the fun and depth of the conversation.
Have you ever thought of asking any of these questions to your crush? Do you have any questions that you’d like to add? Let me know in the comments below 🙂
The year 2020 was quite an eventful year and not in a good way. Most of us, are glad to have just survived the spooky year.
We are all ready to leave 2020 behind and hoping 2021 brings love and joy in all our lives.
Looking back, though, it was all a bit scary.
For me, I have to thank my lucky stars. Innocent of what was about to unfold in the world, beginning of this year, I took a leap of faith and decided to launch my blog.
I was excited, nervous and scared about this new venture. A part of me feared putting myself out there and, of course of the negative criticism that comes with it. To my surprise, I got an uplifting response from my friends and family. You can read my very first blog post here.
Towards the end of 2019, while I made a New year’s resolution for 2020, I was looking forward to a new decade that I could make mine. For me, the year 2020 was supposed to be more adventure, more travel and more memories!
But 2020 had a different plan for us. As the world slowed down, we explored new ways to keep ourselves engaged amidst quarantine.
Lockdown and quarantine
These were not on the agenda but were unique experiences that I tried to find a silver lining. For instance,- I was fortunate enough to be able to transition to working from home. I always wanted to have more time in the mornings to focus on my personal development. The slowness that came with the quarantine was what I desperately needed.
It was the perfect opportunity for me to immerse myself in my old hobbies, such as catching up on reading and explore new hobbies, such as this blog. Several weeks into quarantine, I posted a blog post detailing all the ways I allowed myself to be creative and, in general, have more fun while still being productive.
I felt grateful to be well-positioned to ride this dreadful wave.
Dating
Love, dating or relationships weren’t at the forefront of mind entering this year. However, life always has ways of catching us by surprise.
While I happily adjusted to life in lockdown, I wasn’t ready for the emotional rollercoaster that comes with dating. Of all things I wanted to experience in love, ghosting wasn’t on the list. Yet, when it happened, I found a healthy way to boost my self-confidence to overcome rejection feelings.
This year’s personal goal was to bring more energy, creativity, and efficiency to my personal and professional life.
Keeping that in mind, I knew I had to start my mornings on a positive and happy note by doing daily 5-minute gratitude and daily affirmations. The overflow of positivity and joy in my life was almost instant. Being skeptical of the life-changing results for something as simple as giving thanks for the little pleasures of life changed my attitude.
While I was sad about not following through with my plans for travelling to Spain and France, I discovered a whole new appreciation for long walks, long drives and re-discovering my city. I made a conscious effort to enjoy morning smoothies, endless trips to bakeries trying different pastries and ice-creams, star-gazing, long drives and family dinners.
Enjoy the now
As I was pushing myself into exploring the unknown world of writing and blogging, I kept reminding myself to “enjoy now.” Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, in his book Happier, talks about the arrival fallacy. He describes it as “this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.” Ben-Shahar correctly identified my source of unhappiness and hopelessness.
Around this same time, I came across the book, ‘The Power Of Now.’ I instantly took it as a sign to live in the moment and devoted more energy into appreciating now.
In reflection, 2020 has been a sobering year more so than defining.
From the terrible loss of lives due to the pandemic and the powerful transformation brought by the Black Lives Matter movement, it has been a year that brought us all closer to home. A year full of realizations for what truly matters in our lives. We realized what truly mattered through all the trauma was our family, friends, and humanity- these are things we deeply care about.
Having an adequate supply of toilet rolls came to a close second.
A big thank you to all those who take the time to read my blogs. Your positive feedback and comments make it all worth it. I sincerely wish to continue to bring joy, positivity and creative energy to this platform.
Again, thank you so much for reading.
Keep smiling. Here’s to more hugs and fewer hand-sanitizers in 2021.
Goodbye, 2020. It’s been emotional.
Happy New Year!! Sending lots of love you your way. Stay safe!
When to walk away from a relationship? a reader reached out to me last week and expressed her problems in the following the question.
Q: “I am the type of person that has a hard time quitting. I keep it going until I am black and blue; now, the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that this isn’t exactly a fully positive quality. My question is: when do you call it quits? How do you differentiate between trying harder and making things work and cutting your losses and moving on.”
This is such an excellent question. Thank you for bringing this forward. We’ve all been at a point in our lives where we’ve asked ourselves: “should I give up and walk away from this relationship?”
First, I want to start off by saying there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the happiest of couples will have fights, arguments, disagreements and temporary break-ups. That’s completely normal.
There will be a time when you’ll have to remove the rose-tinted glasses and see if those seemingly little arguments/disagreements are leading to significant roadblocks in your relationship.
If you are at this crossroads of your relationship, then that means you’ve been given several reasons to walk away. If I were you, I would ask myself this question- by not giving up on that relationship, what are you giving up?
I’ve put together a little guide based on my personal experiences for you in hopes that this helps you attain better clarity of your relationship, and you’re able to make the most informed decision. Here goes:
1) Your relationship does not make you happy:
Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner and spending time with them. Obviously, you cannot be consistently happy all the time. That’s not realistic.
If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why? Perhaps it’s you or maybe your partner. It’s good to understand why you are feeling unhappy, so it’s good to know why you are feeling unhappy. So, you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There’s no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was.
2) You’re on different paths in life:
Sometimes you can start a relationship in one place, but you can change mindsets as you grow. Long term relationships can be amazing as you grow and change with your partner. But, sometimes, you grow and change at a different rate than your partner. If you and your partner are moving in different directions, it can be challenging to navigate the relationship. Sometimes, you can be in other places emotionally, and you might not want the same things. If this is the case, then you should separate amicably.
3) Lack of support:
In a relationship, support is critical. In a healthy relationship, you build each other up and have each other’s back no matter what. You want to feel like your partner believes in what you’re doing and is your biggest cheerleader. If that kind of support is missing, you can start to feel let down, discouraged, and disappointed.
Lack of support in a relationship can create an emotional void that can damage and potentially end the relationship. If this has been addressed several times and you find yourself in the same situation, then’s it’s time to leave and drive off into the sunset.
4) Abuse of any sort:
Any abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then this is a clear sign for you to walk away from the relationship. This remains non-negotiable.
Any kind of abuse is damaging and results in trauma and heartbreak that stays with you. An abuser always tends to convince you to stay. If this is the case, please, you should leave for your own safety. Please understand there are help hotlines available, and you must contact should you need them. Remember, you are not alone in this.
5) Lack of trust:
The foundation of all relationships is trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could lead to a lot of doubts and insecurity in the relationship.
Lack of trust, more often than not, could lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing your partner’s trust is a sign that something is majorly wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it.
However, if your relationship is past the rebuilding stage, maybe because your partner betrayed your trust too many times, then it’s time to leave. It’s hard to rebuild a trust that’s been broken one too many times. It’s all about what makes you happy.
6) You’re putting in more effort than your partner:
An ideal relationship requires a joint effort. While a little compromise and a little give and take are expected in a relationship, there’s something that should never have to be given up in love.
So, when you take note of all the things you’ve to give up to be in that relationship and give more than you are getting back, then it’s time to walk away from that relationship. I understand being alone is hard for some people more than others. Having someone to care for you is nice, but it shouldn’t cost you your happiness.
7) You feel like you’re alone:
If being with your partner makes you feel alone, then you might as well cut the dead weight, cut your losses and give yourself space to remember what you really want your life to look like. Remember, if you wanted to be alone, you would be.
8) You are stuck in a toxic cycle:
For example- you keep attempting to address an issue, and it keeps happening again and again. When you’re in a relationship with another human, you’re both going to make mistakes. Repeatedly. We make mistakes, and we forgive each other and hopefully forget.
However, if it’s something that you feel is not unreasonable and within their grasp to change and, in turn, make your life happier together, and they refuse any effort, that’s no way to live. We should want our partner to be satisfied.
Always remember, an apology without changed behaviour is just emotional manipulation.
9) You’re living in the past:
If you find yourself living in the past, how things once were more than the here and now. Things should grow deeper and become stronger over time. If you find yourself lost in the theatre of nostalgia, well, you can play that movie as a singleton anytime while at the same time beginning a new act of your life with the prospect of a happier future.
Remember,
Before you plan your exit, allow your partner to address the issues you’re having (unless it’s infidelity or abuse. That’s a no-brainer: walk away from that relationship). Give them a chance to fix what they may not realize is broken. You owe them that much. Communicate how you are feeling. If they are genuinely “in it,” they will want to make it right. If you have given them the chance to help you write it and don’t choose to take it, consider it a mutual decision and call the movers.
You know one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is when to stay with somebody and when to leave someone for good. The moment you start to think about walking away from a relationship, you’re done with it. Once you’ve mentally disconnected from a relationship, the physical will follow.
You’ve got one life. Be true to yourself. It may be scary to think about life after you leave, but it’s even more frightening to imagine staying with someone who doesn’t value you as you deserve to be appreciated.
(Really though, if you’re asking this question here, that’s a pretty good indicator that you already know. Follow your instincts.)
Finally, leaving a relationship is really difficult. I hope everyone who’s going through it will find much-needed peace and happiness. If walking away keeps you away from chasing a fairytale for the rest of your life, please walk away.
Have you had to make this decision? What signs made you leave?
Whether you’ve lost a pet, a friend, a parent or a child, I want you to know that-
When you’re on your knees, your world is falling apart, and you don’t know how to breathe, it’s perfectly ok not to be ok. When life finds you grieving a loss that will stay with you, while the world will be hellbent on getting you to be the person you will never again be.
After losing my dad to cancer, I was devastated beyond words. I didn’t know how to adjust to the new reality. My world without him seemed incomplete. I had never known how permanent death could be.
More than anything I wanted to stop the unbearable pain of losing my dad. I would wonder if I could ever live an authentic life and deal with loss at the same time. Will I ever get back to being the person I used to be?
Even though I was aware of my father’s terminal cancer, nothing prepared me for the devastation grief would bring upon my life. On the journey of healing from the loss of my father, here’s one thing I have found to be the truth-
You can never get over the death of a loved one.
Healing from the loss of a loved one is not easy. Therefore, through this post, I can merely tell you the ways I learnt how to carry my grief in a way that allowed me to live and find my way back out of the darkness.
I won’t give any empty words of advice, no easy steps to get your way “back to normal.” Your new normal would be adjusting to this new bitter reality. With time, you’ll learn to be with what is yours to be with now. This post comes from my heart, for I know the pain death brings.
The first step towards healing is acceptance. Initially, of course, you’d deny it, refuse to accept it- but it’s there. The pain and heaviness are present anywhere you go. You look at the world differently.
You get upset, angry, and try to make it go away, but the pain is a part of you. Don’t try to fix it because it can’t be, but you can acknowledge the presence and accept it.
2)Let go of the guilt:
No one talks about the guilt that comes from losing someone a loved one.
After losing my dad, I felt guilt was one of the strongest ones out of the many emotions I felt. There’s the guilt of not having cried long enough, of laughing at a joke too soon, of not having said proper good-byes, the guilt of moving forward with your life, the guilt of him slipping through my mind for a minute and finally the guilt of being alive while he’s not. You couldn’t have changed anything. So, be easy on yourself.
You cannot heal and live an authentic life if you try to deny or suppress your emotions. Emotions are the force field of the soul. You need to feel and sit with every feeling in your body. It’s necessary to experience the intense sadness, pain and anger you are feeling.
2) Practise gratitude:
After my father passed away, I would fondly look back on the times that we spent together. I don’t see those times that I am missing or now don’t have—but seeing those times as a gift when he was on the earthside. Planting little seeds of gratitude daily will be something you will thank yourself for. This thinking is from a place of love.
3) Legacy:
After losing my dad, I thought about all the things I learnt from him, such as kindness, unconditional love, living life to the fullest, giving back to people and compassion. Ever since I have tried to keep his legacy alive by doing more of the things learnt from him. Let your loved one live through you.
I turned to my family’s spiritual learnings and wisdom after his death. I learnt that the soul never dies; only the body perishes. I was able to look at my grief as the only truth of life. I found comfort in knowing that we can’t control life and death. The only thing we can do is make the most of what we have. I learnt the most important lesson in life: the things we do with our time while we’re alive.
5) Believe they are always watching over you:
I was repeatedly told by my friends that death does not end a relationship. “Your dad may have left the earthside but is always watching over and guiding you.” they would remind me every time I missed him. I had to believe that this is true. I needed this to be true because it was comforting. As they say, “your thoughts become your reality,” and I chose to believe that even though dad may have left us earthside, but our souls are eternally connected.
6) Revisiting the details of the death of your loved one:
My father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour in his brain. Looking back at the days when he was sick in the hospital, I could see the pain in his eyes. Every day, cancer was taking over him, and it was painful. Nobody wants to be in pain all day every day. Thinking positively about death helped me heal. It hurt less to think he was no longer in pain.
7) Understand that everyone grieves differently :
When my dad died in September 2017, I felt as if I had been cut out of the world and placed somewhere unrecognizable. Everything was the same and yet so different. I felt as if I couldn’t function in this world anymore. His absence felt surreal. I couldn’t comprehend for me to be here without him and for the world to continue. His favourite shops, street food corner, carried on serving as if he had never existed.
I’ve come to realize people deal with grief very differently. There’s no single and right way to grieve.
When my dad passed away, we as a family dealt with grief in different ways. On some days, I turned into a blubbering mess-unable to leave the house without crying at every memory of him.
Every little thing in the place reminded me of him. The idea that I would never be able to see, speak, touch and laugh with him again would send me deep down the rabbit hole. I found comfort in my solitude, in sleeping and a whole lot of crying. On the other hand, my brothers held it in, acting stoic, going to work, and keeping busy.
The first few weeks after my dad passed away, the only seemingly good days I had was writing about him or getting together all his pictures and videos and putting them in albums and making collages out of them. Similarly, you could immerse yourself in cooking, baking, painting, colouring, etc (you can pick any creative outlet that brings you relief). These activities may sound so simple that it’s easy to doubt their effectiveness.
Bottling up your feelings has never done any good. Share the pain you are feeling with your people.
If not, then speak to a professional. Therapy is always a good idea. I did not because I opened up with my family and that was all the therapy I needed.
It’s easy to forget that there are so many others carrying that same emptiness within. I shared my pain with my loved ones. We would all gather around after dinner and share our favourite stories of dad. Those stories would make us laugh, cry and miss him more. But, we all carried that pain together. As a family, sharing that pain deepened our bond.
While I never sought professional help from a therapist, I did the next best thing. I joined several online support groups that had lost their loved ones to the same kind of cancer my dad was diagnosed with. We were all just healing from the loss of our loved ones. This may not be your usual course of action but it worked for me. More than anything, I heard so many stories about how so many other families have experienced this pain. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, but it was comforting to know we’re not alone.
Don’t rush yourself towards “healing” or a “completion” that can never be, and now learn how to be present with unbearable pain and unfixable horror. The journey to healing from the loss of a loved one is different each day. Grief comes in waves, and somedays you’re drowning. It’s a lot of batting with your emotions, the loss and the emptiness. There are no rules and timelines. Go at your own pace. Whatever that might be.
Through my grieving journey, I have learnt that the pain never goes away; it just becomes a part of you.
There are so many people grieving along right now. Healing from a loss of a loved one can be heavy and I want you to know that you’re not alone. Can we as a community offer them much needed support and advice? What rituals helped you grieve? Was there a meditation, a book or a network that helped you? Please share in the comments below. Thank you in advance.
I am excited to kick off the first installment of the blog’s new relationship column. Today, I will be starting off by answering the first question I got on my Instagram by a reader about dating (I’d love to hear some of your responses on it too).
Q: “You know what I’m dealing with this situation right now, where I talked to this guy I used to go to school with, but I’ve been getting extremely mixed signals from him. He said he didn’t want to talk as much but keeps hitting me up still! I have enjoyed his company, but I also feel like if I reply to him & act like everything’s okay, I’d be putting my integrity on the line. I like this guy, but I also don’t know what to do here.”
Girl, I feel you. I’ve been you. I cannot think of anything more frustrating to deal with.
When a guy truly likes you, there will be no mixed signals. Mixed signals come from the man who isn’t just that into you. I know that sounds harsh, but it has proven to be true in all my dating history. When a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to talk as much, I would just leave him be.
He still hits you up and tells you that he doesn’t want anything serious means he just wants to have fun and also on his terms. Clearly, not on yours. That’s not okay.
I would set some boundaries, even if you want something casual. He likes you but also wants something casual, that’s fine if you want the same thing. But, both of you should be able to reach out to one another without feeling like you’re giving up your self-respect. The feeling needs to be mutual. However, you are not feeling that way.
Another thing, when you have to act like everything’s okay and suppress your true feelings to keep the conversation going, then you know it’s not a healthy setting. You will never have to feel like you are putting your integrity in line with a man who genuinely cares for you. We, women tend to think that men usually are not good at expressing their feelings. Let me tell you, that’s not true at all. When a man likes you, he will make sure you know that he’s into you. Believe me, when I say men go above and beyond for the woman they have feelings for.
Remember, always put your self-respect over feelings. Casual or serious, it doesn’t matter.
Do you have any words of advice that you would like to add to this situation? Do you have any questions that you would like to answer in the next week’s column? Please let me know in the comments below.
