Categories, unlike tags, can have a hierarchy. You might have a Jazz category, and under that have children categories for Bebop and Big Band. Totally optional.
Over the past few years, I have thought to myself, why not become a dating coach? I’ve always had a passion for helping my loved ones, especially when it came to their dating/relationship life. The seeds of it started to plant in my mind while watching ‘Sex and the City.’ Watching Carrie salvage her dating problems into a column was a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine.
Starting next week, I will be answering questions about relationships, including dating, marriage, divorce and everything in between. With some help from my friends, I will answer all of your questions in a new segment titled “Ask Yachna.”
Do you have any questions like why am I getting mixed signals, what questions to ask and not ask on a first date, how to walk away from a relationship that’s not working? Have you ever been ghosted? The list goes on… whatever is on your mind, I’d love to hear from you.
Please leave your comments below. Or, if you’d like, you can DM me on Instagram or email me at [email protected] with the subject line “Ask Yachna.”
“My daughter was lying naked with her tongue bitten and protruding out, with heavy bleeding from her eyes and vagina. Her eyes were bulging out, and she was bleeding from her mouth, neck, and blood near her eyes. I quickly covered her with the pallu of my saree and started screaming,” recalls Manisha Valmiki’s mother as per a report byNewslaundry.
As per the victim’s mother, the police did not listen to them and said, “Just take her from here. She’s being dramatic and lying here. Do you want to trap us?”
The gang-rape and murder of the 19-year-old from Hathras has shaken the entire nation’s consciousness sending shock waves across the country. The victim’s family remains inconsolable as they fight for justice. The police officials cremated the body without any of her family being present at the funeral—a life of humiliation.
Today, women across the country no longer feel safe. Stories like these stay in our collective consciousness for a long time and send shivers down our spine. Any form of sexual violence should never happen to anyone. Ever.
Other than the slow implementation of anti-rape laws, the other two cultural reasons for sexual violence in India, in my opinion, are these-
1) Lack Of Proper Sex Education:
Sexual violence in India is largely due to a lack of sex education.
Suppressing sex, tabooing is the primary cause of all the rapes that happen in India. It’s indisputable! People try to avoid and escape discussing and educating people about human sexuality, which is one of the many aspects of life. During biology classes, the chapters concerning the human reproductive system are either left out for the students to understand by themselves or taught in brief. The only “education” that a person gets is through porn.
Sex education needs to involve learning about what coercion is, it needs to educate teens about privacy, genital care, sexualities and most importantly consent.
A boy, for example, won’t be educated on what menstruation is. This conversation gap creates an awkward environment where the sister keeps hiding her pain and sanitary napkins from her brother.
If you are a girl, your cleavage is distracting, and it needs to be hidden/covered at all times. Almost every girl has experienced the ” change from your shorts/skirts into pants because we have guests coming over.”
The occurences of such conversations are so common in our society, it speaks lenghts about the mentality we are battling.
2) Rape is not about sex. It’s about power:
There have been many contradictions on the statement: “rape is not about sex but power.”
However, from the perspective of a rape victim, there is nothing sexual about the experience. The experience is one of being powerless, of forcibly giving in to the power of the perpetrator. It is the polar opposite of everything that we believe about sex. To describe it as a sexual experience is despicable, for lack of a stronger word.
But rape literature is written by victims, and by people who sympathize with victims. Conflating the horror of a victim’s experience of powerlessness with the possibility that anyone – even the perpetrator – might have viewed the incident as being in any way related to sex is offensive and, therefore, unacceptable.
There are numerous cases where the victims fail to report the crime. Have you thought of those girls who still didn’t get Justice? And those who get molested daily but still can’t push back due to fear? Just because of the hypocritical society, people won’t be concerned about your situation. Instead, they will start questioning your character and judge you as someone who provoked the guy to molest you.
Even within a family, some people molest their cousins or nephew or a relative. In that situation, who do you go to complain? Will anyone trust her? Or will they question her character? There will be a simple answer to this: your mentality, teachings, and upbringing.
Those who believe women as an object something to play with are the ones who do all these disgusting practices. Rape destroys families and communities. The trauma resulting from it haunts the victims for the rest of their lives.
The only way to get rid of such a situation is to empathize with the pain they are going through. Rape is a horrible thing and needs to end. The culture in India is hellbent on moral policing, their daughters that they forget to give their son sanskaar.
Lastly,
Celebrate sex; it’s beautiful to give and receive pleasure. Parents speak to your children about sex when the time’s right. Do not avoid the topic because it’s uncomfortable for you. That’s brutal and selfish. Men respect a woman; she’s the greatest gift bestowed on humanity.
I came across this beautiful love story on The Humans Of New York (duh, where else?). It was one of those stories that teared me up. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it must be like to experience a love like this. I hope we all get to feel something like this someday.
“He had five daughters. And whenever he came home from a work trip, we’d all line up to give him a kiss. But he always kissed my mom first, because she was his ‘first love.’ Then he went on to his ‘second love,’ and his ‘third love.’ On weekends we’d all pile into the car and take these long road trips. We’d drive for hours, and the whole way he’d be singing to my mother. It was a normal thing for us, because we were used to it. But that kind of affection wasn’t normal in our culture. We used to have these karaoke parties with our extended family, and everyone else would sing normal songs. But Papa would choose these old, romantic Bollywood songs. And he’d sing directly to Mama. She loved every second of it. She’d get dressed up for him. She’d put on her brightest red lipstick. And she’d do her hair just as he liked it, even after she got sick. The tumor was deep in her brain. After every surgery, more and more of her would slip away. When she couldn’t walk properly anymore, she grew embarrassed of her limp. So Papa held her hand wherever they went. He’d sit next to her bed, and stroke her cheek, and recite the Quran until his lips went dry. Some nights he’d fall asleep sitting up in his chair, but then he’d wake up, and begin praying again. In her final moments, when she was slipping away, he leaned close to her and whispered: ‘You won’t be alone. I’m coming with you.’ I heard him say it. And I got so angry. It seemed selfish to me, as if the rest of us weren’t worth living for. But all his children were grown. Most of us had our own families. And I guess he felt like there was nothing left for him. Every day he visited Mama’s grave, even though we told him not to. He applied for the plot next to her, and every few hours he’d ask if the cemetery had called. He was obsessed. When the paperwork finally arrived, I rolled my eyes. But he got very quiet. For the next two days he barely said a word. Then on the third morning, he walked in our front door and told me he wasn’t feeling well. I bent down to help him with his shoes, but he collapsed on the floor. There wasn’t time for him to suffer. Because by the time the ambulance arrived, he was already gone.”
I was an emotional mess after reading this. What about you? It seems so silly sometimes; the simplest things leave a deeper impact on you.
By very popular demand (by mostly my friend, Magda), today I talk about: how to spot a toxic friend in your life?
Let’s Face It: Not all friendships are good and healthy ones. Some friends are toxic and can be difficult to spot. Unhealthy friendships are only entertaining on Gossip Girl. In real life, they are just no Bueno and can be one of the biggest ways you can destroy your joy, self-worth and confidence.
It’s easy to miss signs of a toxic friendship as it is happening because they are combined with affectionate and caring gestures. We don’t hear or learn too much about it.
I’ve experienced my fair share of toxic friends, and hell, I’ve probably been a toxic friend myself.
Let’s talk about this objectively, as this is such a common problem no matter how old you are. Here goes, some significant signs on how to spot a toxic friend in your life. Use this as a guide to NOT be a toxic one yourself.
1) They downplay your accomplishments:
Imagine telling your friend about your goals and accomplishments, and they don’t say anything at all or get quiet. That’s a MAJOR red flag.
One evening, over dinner with one of my closest “friends,” I remember (very excitedly) expressing with her my future dreams and goals. To which she replied, “I feel like you are confused in life. You need to stick to one thing.” I cannot describe the pain I felt hearing that from a friend. If they aren’t celebrating your success, they are NOT your friend.
IMPORTANT: People will show you who they are if you pay attention.
2) They always smother you:
Have you ever had a friend that makes you feel guilty for setting up boundaries or speaking up for yourself?
This friend expects you to put everything aside and meet their needs. Some friends can be toxic in a way where they cross all the boundaries you have set for yourself. This friend wants to spend all their free time together. They are highly dependent on you emotionally. They will vent all their problems with you, completely disregarding if you have the mental and emotional space.
3) Putting You Down Constantly:
Let me start by saying this; a friend will never put you down. Only a frenemy will. Remember that.
My “friend” would reveal the personal things I would tell her in confidence. She would “jokingly” put me down in front of others. Her words were shrouded in “being funny or light-hearted.”
Knowing that it bothered me, she was unwilling to apologize. Every. Single. Time. Over time, these not-so-little things took up big space in the friendship, and I walked away from it.
4) They are passive-aggressive, silent treatment always:
You:“Is Everything Okay?”
Friend: “Yes.”
You: “It seems like you’re mad at me?”
Friend: “No. I’M NOT.”
There is a lack of clear and open communication. Having experienced this, I can confirm this is mentally and emotionally taxing.
5) You constantly question your friendship but always find excuses to stay:
Have you ever been in a situation where something doesn’t feel quite right about a friend? You don’t know what it is.
For several years, I went back and forth about wanting to end a long term friendship with a friend (let’s call her) Andrea. I couldn’t shake the feeling within me, telling me to distance myself from her.
There were subtle signs that I chose to ignore. “Andrea has always been there for me,” I would think out loud and shut down all the doubts that crept in.
Yes, she had always been there for me. And, I shall never forget that.
6) Negative Nancy:
This person has a negative spin on everything in life. Spending time with this friend is guaranteed to put you down for the next few days.
I remember, feeling mentally exhausted after hanging out with Andrea (again!). After having a thousand (if not more) conversations with her about changing her behaviour, the effects were short-lived.
7) They manipulate situations to their advantage:
Ever have a friend that often gives you backhanded compliments?
For instance- how you walk, talk or how you’re “too kind” (or calls you stupid, dumb, weak, whatever negative phrases you can think of that’s hurtful and untrue).
To make things worse, they will refuse to take accountability for their hateful remarks and, in turn, comment, “you can’t take a joke.” Somehow, they manipulate you in believing that you are the problem.
8) They don’t appreciate or recognize the things you do for them
Toxic friends/people don’t value the time you give and your relationship.
This friend expects to hang out at their convenience. They completely discard your current feeling/situation—not taking no for an answer or guilt-tripping you into saying yes. Sayings things like, “if you care for me, you will go out with me.” Looking back, I realize it was unhealthy and manipulative.
9) They are lazy and unfocused
In the words of Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If your friends aren’t pushing you and helping you grow, then it’s time to change your circle. Always remember, it’s better to be alone than in bad company.
And Finally,
10) If you think of them when reading this post.
Saving The Friendship Vs. Letting Them Go?
“An apology is changed behaviour.” The mantra that has made seemingly complicated decisions easier for me.
Here are some of the things you can do too if you are ever at crossroads about a friend:
1) Talk It Out
Have a heart-to-heart conversation (on text or in real life, wherever you are most comfortable) to discuss issues in your relationship with that friend, and how the both of you plan to address them going forward. If the said friend agrees to changes moving forward, reconsider ending the friendship. If not, say goodbye and move on.
2) Distance Yourself
Begin to distance yourself away from them, and mix with a new circle of friends. In the end, trust your gut. It never lies.
3) BREAK UP!
Tell them that you are ending the friendship, and why. Block all methods of contact with them. Yes, even social media. This is ONLY for the friends who have shown that they have little to no capacity to change, those who are toxic and have issues of their own that you cannot or do not feel qualified to solve.
My Final Thoughts
Remember, you come first. Always.
Life is short. There is no time for toxicity. Get out there and look for friends who value you for who you are, and make sure you feel the same way about them. Above all, you deserve friendships deeper and complex than the toxic ones.
Look for people who raise you and make you feel like you want to raise them.
And remember— if it feels off, it probably is.
Learn the lessons and say goodbye. If you are feeling incredibly brave, say even “thank you.” Thank you for teaching me what not to accept and tolerate again.
In conclusion, I can testify that the months following the time I got rid of my toxic friendships – I felt confident, happy & optimistic. Things every human being deserves to feel always.
How did you spot a toxic friend in your life? How have you recognized toxic friendships? What were the signs?
Previously, we have talked about various things such as dating, ghosting and pregnancy. Lately, I have been mulling over the question: How do you know when a person is right for you? What makes a partner the one?
Anytime a couple that has been together for a long time tells the story of how they met, they can always pinpoint the moment in which they knew they found “the one.”
It’s said, there is that moment of clarity, where you realize you would rather be with this person than anyone else in the world. However, there are also many small moments leading up to such an incredible epiphany.
Keeping that in mind, I reached out to a few couples (friends, acquaintances and strangers) to share their answers to THE question. Their answers melted my heart, surprised and amused me…
It felt inevitable.
“I knew he was special when our first date lasted five hours, and we had already planned our second date two days later. Fast forward four months later on one busy Friday evening, we were standing in line to pay for Costco’s taco kit. I was going to ask him a question, and he cut me off and asked, ” what do you want for dessert?”, to which I replied, “ice-cream,” He then said to answer your previous question, “No.” I looked at him, surprised and said, “What was that the answer to?”. To that, he replied, “No, I don’t want fries!” That’s when I knew he was the one!” Jasmeet
We met when I was 15. And, had known each other for quite a few years. We had pretty much always crushed on each other till we finally got together when I was 19. We were still dating other people but always felt this pullback to each other when we were single.
He always told me there were these little moments that confirmed in his mind I was the one. Four months in dating each other, we confessed we loved each other. However, I knew he was the one when I opened up to him about my sexual assault as a child six months into dating.
I was going to court against my abuser. I knew that if there was ever a moment that could break our relationship, this was it. But, he never hesitated. Instead, he showed his full love and support for me. I had a preliminary trial that lasted three days not long after I told him about it, which progressed into three more days of court and years of fighting for justice. He was there every day, every step of the way. He was the one he was home. And, seeing him accept and love me without hesitating despite the PTSD I faced, and the anxiety of it all told me he would love me forever.
He was the one. He proposed a year later. And have been married for six years. We haven’t looked back since. We’ve created a new life together.” Meghan
We started off as friends.
“We met at the most unexpected moment of my life. It was not love at first sight, nor did I get butterflies when we first met. He was actually my designated driver for the party we were going to that night. We did start to form a connection during the party, danced a bit, and even pecked a kiss. However, in my mind, it was all still friendly.
I knew that this man could potentially be my lover because of how naturally everything came into play. I felt like we became really good friends right away, and then the intimacy later developed around our already evolved friendship.
I knew Nacho was the guy for me when he started to bring me food every weekend or invited me to his place to eat because he knew I was too busy to cook for myself. As funny as it sounds, I saw his genuine care for me as a person, and I knew that if I want to go anywhere in life, having someone who supports me would be essential, and to see that so early on in our relationship was really comforting.
We are closer than ever now, he is my best friend and lover in one. We motivate each other to achieve our goals and support one another along the way, I could not have asked for a better partner in this life journey.” Shabo
He has always been the one.
Paawan and I were classmates, and one day out of the blue, he just asked me out. I think we both were 13 years old then. We were not in love when we started going out, but gradually it turned into that.
However, we broke up when we were 17. Not that we didn’t love each other. That, I was moving away to a boarding school in a different city. The long-distanc didn’t work. I was devastated after the breakup. Years passed, and, both of us had our separate lives. We moved on and dated other people.
I knew he was the one when my other relationship ended. I was contemplating the kind of partner I wanted in my life. And all my answers led to him.
When I was at my lowest in life, he was there to pick me up. I remember a particular night when I was feeling the lowest I ever had in my life. That night, he stayed with me on call the entire night. After that night, I decided I wanted to give us another chance. We discussed it, and a few weeks later, he asked me out again, and I said yes, and there’s been no looking back since then!” Sidi
I just knew she was my person.
“My partner and I matched on Tinder. She charmed her way into my life and became a significant part of it very quickly. She is captivating, caring, adventurous, extremely beautiful, and we “get” each other. I can’t help but wonder, “how did I get so lucky?”
This February, we went for a weekend getaway to Banff. And, one big thing about me is that I LOVE mountains. Being there with her, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I was mesmerized with her more than mountains, and I didn’t think that was ever possible. And, the most beautiful part of it all is that admitted to feeling precisely the same way. There’s no guessing, no games, just a mutual knowledge that this is it. It’s us from now on.” Charlotte
These stories were simply beautiful. Talking to actual humans made the answer to a seemingly complex question so much more straightforward than google. I would love to open the floor for anyone that wants to share their stories.
Are you currently in a relationship? How did you know your partner was the one? I would love to know.
I am going to give you the best dating advice. Before you date someone else, consider taking yourself out on dates.
When I first moved to Edmonton, I felt very lonely and sad. I deeply missed my old life-family, friends and everything in between.
Having no friends, in my free time, I would go for long walks. During those walks, I would stumble upon parks, cafes and art galleries. The daily ritual of going for long walks and exploring the city soon turned into a beautiful necessity I looked forward to.
I look back now and am grateful – in enacting that small ritual, through it, I was saying, “yes, I matter,” even when I felt tiny in that stage of my life.
Fast forward to the present, I have realized that when we start dating someone, we want to know everything about the person we are dating. We go on several dates with that person. We have such keen curiosity about learning everything about our partner’s likes, dislikes, hobbies and passion.
But how often do we look within with the same curiosity? Today, I want you to plan your most ideal date: a hike, a gourmet meal or a wine tasting. As for me, it’s usually one the following:
1) Live Theatre:
In my very first semester of university, I had an assignment- to write an analysis of Shakespeare’s Hamlet- a live theatre performance. Not having been to a live theatre show, I was beyond excited. I remember being mesmerized with the whole experience. I had never experienced anything like it. Up next on my list are Les Miserables, The Lion King and Moulin Rouge.
2) A City Gateway
A few years ago, I had a layover in Dallas for a few hours, which later extended for 12 hours. Staying at the airport for that long just seemed like a drag. So, I decided to get a train pass to Dallas city. I took a train to the downtown, went to the Dallas Museum Of Art. Followed by lunch at this nice pizza place and then some chocolate ice cream for dessert.
Had it not been for the delay in my flight, I don’t think I would have made the deliberate effort to explore Dallas. Since then, I have taken mini trips to different cities. I also just really love something about feeling anonymous in a new city.
3) A Picnic
One of the downfalls of living in Edmonton is that we rarely have sunshine here. So, during summers I love to pack a picnic with my favourite snacks, drinks and a book in a local park. And, just soak in all the sun I can. I usually go home after sunset. Easily one of my favourite solo dates. After every picnic, I always say to myself, “I need to do this more often.”
4) Cocktail and Dessert
Last year, my friend and I planned a girl’s date night at a local lounge. It was a beautiful Saturday night, and I pulled out my favourite dress and my best shoes. Soon after I got to the bar, my friend cancelled due to a last-minute emergency.
Having already been sitting at the bar for 10 odd minutes, it seemed silly to not order a drink. The thing is, I had never been to a bar by myself. So, I felt very awkward sitting there by myself. But, one drink turned into several paired with a chocolate mousse. That night I thought to myself, “why haven’t I done this before?” Honestly, it was such a sanity-saving, luxurious evening, and even just remembering it brings a smile on my face. It’s one of the best dates I’ve ever had.
5) Home Cooked Candle Night Dinner
Sometimes the best nights you will spend are the ones that you spend with yourself in the warmth and comfort of your home. Treat yourself to a home-cooked candlelight gourmet meal with a glass of wine and just enjoy the night. I think it’s essential to cook that beautiful meal, even if it’s just you. After all, the most important and significant relationship you have is the one with yourself.
6) Movie & Dinner
When I was in high school, my brother would often go for afternoon movie matinees solo. I found it unusual and weird at the same time. I had never seen anyone go for a movie alone. It was always a social thing. He would never wait around for his friends to go for movies; he would just do it if he felt like it. Following his footsteps, I started going for movies solo, followed by dinner. A perfect date that you could never go wrong with.
What are some of your solo date night ideas? I would love to know.
Recently, I came across a question, ‘What advice would you give to your younger self?’. The question got me pondering on all my life choices. There are numerous things I would tell my younger self some of them being:
Find joy in small things.
Spend even more time with dad. Ask him all those questions.
Invest 100$ in the stock market every month.
There is such thing as TOO MANY shoes, bags and dresses.
Say NO. Or, “I’m sorry I’m just too busy” more often. It’s not rude.
It’s okay to NOT have everything figured out. Embrace the unknown.
Form your own opinions. Take time to research different topics. And, never be afraid to have your own voice. It matters.
It’s okay to quit something if it’s not working out for you: a friendship, a relationship, a job or anything.
Find people you can be vulnerable with. Laugh with. Those are the magical people that you need to keep the closest.
Figuring out what you don’t want is the first step in the long process of naming what you do want. So the job, the friends and the boyfriends – all those things that weren’t the right fit, were essential so that you could know for sure what you want.
Enjoy being single. You are doing just fine on your own, and when you stop begging the wrong people for love, you open up room for the right person. You will then be so glad all the previous relationships didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.
If you keep praying for clarity about a relationship and not getting it, that is THEanswer. Drop it!!
…these are some of the MANY things I would advise little Yachna.
Here, 12 people share warm and wise advice they would give their younger self that may be precisely what you needed today, and I’d love to hear yours…
“When I was younger, I would worry more about what people think of me than what I REALLY wanted to do. Or what made me happy. I felt the constant need to prove myself to the world. So, I did things solely for that reason in mind. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to stop taking unnecessary pressure as a child. Also, listen to your gut feeling. Trust it. And, finally, it is okay to fail. Not everything is a competition, which I had made for myself.” – Siddhi Khandelwal
“Stop being so loyal. I know it is a positive characteristic, but I feel like I missed out on a lot of experiences just because I couldn’t say ‘No’ to my friends. Be assertive. I was always too scared to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I never said never. And I really wish I had. Finally, always trust your instinct and go with it. “-Magda Kurniewicz
“Never underestimate your abilities. Keep pushing till you reach your goals. No matter how many setbacks you may face, take it as a lesson, not a loss.” – Thembie Nkomazana
” Take time to look at the stars and moons each night. It makes life more appealing. That’s one advice I would give to my younger self. ” – Mara Cuteta
“Listen to your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Rationalizing everything while ignoring your true emotions will only lead you back to the start. You will actually get further by allowing your feelings to lead you when making decisions.” – Ayla (Alias)
“Don’t. Waste. Time.” – Kartik Kaushik
“To throw all possible doubt the window.” – Afsha Butt
“When I look back on my early 20s, I strongly feel I could have done better. The people we surround ourselves with are who we become. So, pick the people that will help you grow. Take action towards your goal at your own pace. It’s not a race. Just because you are stumbling now, doesn’t mean you will always be stumbling or failing. Overcome the fear of missing out. Finally, don’t be lazy and procrastinate. Your habits make or break you.” – Serat (alias)
“Start doing things. Do things, make things, break things. Because the earlier I start, the better I will get. Get an exercise routine as early on as you can. Be consistent. Keep experimenting and trying new things. Challenge yourself anytime you feel you can’t get out of your comfort zone. Challenge the herd mentality. Never stop trying. Failure is just a stepping stone to better things. Take time to know things that excite you. For me, all that comes from being open to new experiences without expectations. Finally, don’t forget to have fun in the process.” – Sabby Chaudhary
“Look for positive in things and conversations before jumping to the negative side of things. One of my friends advised me this, and let me tell you, it has made me a little wiser and patient. Changed my personal and professional life for good.” – Sunny Sogy
“Don’t just save but invest your money. I didn’t start investing until my late 20s. The sooner you start, the better. A solid GPA is essential, however social networking is just as crucial. Be kinder to yourself and know your worth. You are a lot stronger than you know. Also, finally don’t believe everything that you are told. Do your own research. Always.” – Palak Handa
“Don’t waste time pleasing people that don’t matter. Focus on building wealth. A few years ago, Dan Peña quoted in one of his interviews that really stuck with me, “any real change in the world, can only be brought through money.” Read books that teach you new skills. Your skills build you. Learn one each year.” – Sid (alias)
Now, it’s your turn. What advice would you give to your younger self? I would love to know in the comments below.
Last week, I talked about ghosting, so I figured I’d share my brother’s awesome dating tip this week. A few months ago, my brother said something that changed the way I approached dating-
I had a crush on this guy, let’s call him Nate (smart, shy, cute smile). After having a crush on him for a few months, I decided to take it to the next level and initiated a casual coffee date.
Fast forward, a few dates later, we were flirting over the text all the time. I would smile ear to ear, seeing Nate’s name pop up on my screen. However, not being too fond of texting, I decided one day to propose speaking over the phone.
That evening, I began analyzing my game plan: how I should phrase the question, what would sound confident without coming on too strong. “Be casual and playful” was the mantra I had in mind while I mulled over the little details for a half an hour before finally sending the text.
So, I finally asked the question. Actually, I typed and deleted it several times until I built up the courage to finally say it. “Call me tonight- I wanna hear your voice.”
What evolved over the next two hours was the constant overanalyzing of the text in question. “this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have texted him at all,” I muttered to myself, glancing at the blank screen, eagerly waiting for his reply.
Later that night, six hours and still no response later, I couldn’t stop wondering, “Was I asking for too much too soon?”, “did I sound needy”? yadi yada yada. All these questions were enough to make my mind explode.
Upon filling in my brother with the details of this situation, he casually replied,” “Here’s the thing with dating: they either like you or don’t.”
It seems so silly and obvious. However, it was totally liberating. When we start a new relationship (or a friendship), we tend to sweat and over analyze every little detail. For instance, the timing of your text message, the way you say hello, what to wear for the date, what to say over a text message or on a date. After all, it’s either fuck yes or a simple no.
Anytime I am dating someone, I find myself reflecting on every little detail when I should just be relaxing and enjoying it. The truth is, what I say in a text won’t change their feelings about me.
Once I started just being my weird self, I had so much more fun dating. I chose not to sweat the details. I would order that burger instead of the salad, make those silly quirky jokes, and send a double text if I felt like it. As my brother said, if he liked me, he did (and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t).
As a single gal, I have FINALLY realized, “if it’s not a yes, it’s a no,” the pressure was off. No more mixed messages, no more interpreting phone calls, texts, emails. If it’s a “maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or any other variation, it’s a no.
This simple tip has freed me from overthinking and second-guessing every tiny detail.
What do you think? What wise dating advice have you heard? And what’s your relationship status these days? Is anyone dating right now?
If you aren’t familiar with ghosting, then SPOILER ALERT!!, this is no fun…
Confusion hurt, and even anger circulated through my body. My face flushed with tones of bright red and pink. The voice in my head shouted out questions I did not have answers to “Am I not good enough,” “What did I do wrong?”. Two days had passed without any word from the man whose name popping up on my phone screen simply brought a smile to my face. Ghosted. He ghosted me!
Since wallowing in a tub of ice cream is only fun for an hour, here are six things I’ve learned, including some very sound advice from the people that are wiser than me. I hope this brings you comfort (if and when you need it).
1) No Contact:
Trying to solve the mystery can result in unhealthy behaviours— sending a barrage of texts, creeping on the other person’s social media—that can get dark fast, explains Erika Martinez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Miami, Florida. So, no texting, calling or snooping through their social media. I find most of the time, “the best reaction is no reaction at all”.
And, regarding that deep need for closure: “He doesn’t want to speak to you.” I would instantly remind this to myself, and all my urges to text him would go away.
2) Don’t Take It Personally:
In conversation with one of my friends, who also happens to be a therapist, said, “He may be struggling with issues that have nothing to do with you.” He further added, “people with emotional immaturity and very bad social cues ghost people.” Yikes!!
These words didn’t make me feel instantly better, but it did give me a fresh perspective. Ghosting says a lot more about (the person who ghosted you) than you.
3) Connect With Yourself:
…and suddenly things feel better. To stop obsessing every detail that led up to the event, I focus all my energy on my reading a book, journaling, or any activity that boosts my mind.
For me, the best response to being rejected by anyone in life, is to ask myself, “how can I make this the best thing that ever happened to me?” and then do that. And, that’s how you make rejection empowering and inspiring.
4) Boost-Up Your Self-Esteem
Getting ghosted can be a blow to a person’s self-esteem. Dressing up, doing my hair, painting my nails, wearing my best shoes and going out with my girlfriends does the trick for me. Just get out there and have a fantastic time!!
4) Talk To Your Friends:
My girlfriends are the therapists that I could never afford. On the phone playing over analyzing every little detail with my friend about this, she very casually replied, “In the grand scheme of life, this man is just ONE hot second.” And, I CANNOT tell you how amazing that felt to hear.
So often situations seem worse than they really are. It’s great to be reminded to step back and look at the big picture.
5) Long Drives
One of my favourite things to do is to go for long drives solo. Anytime I am low and need some downtime for myself, I get in my car turn on my music, and I just drive. I especially enjoy long rides with no destinations with my true few. Honestly, so special.
6) Let It Go
Being ghosted is like being told you are not even worth the effort to write a text. That alone was my reason to move on.
For the first few days, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being disrespected and humiliated.”I am better than this!” I declared to no one in particular. For me, I have decided that I do not want to be with the type of person who would ghost me. “Don’t burn daylight chasing the wrong one. The right one won’t run.”
Then one morning you wake up, the sun seems brighter. And, just like that, you look forward to never look back again.
Have you ever been ghosted? If yes, tell us what happened. How did it make you feel? How did you handle the situation?
When I was a child, I was asked a question that I never forgot, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Without giving any real thought to it, I readily replied, ‘Papa.’
More than a decade later, I often think about my answer. And, as I grow older, I get clarity on my answer.
Papa was not like anybody I knew. He never once told us how to live. He lived and let us watch him do it. For instance, every year he would organize langar for a local village. Through that, I learnt that the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
He appeared very tough on the outside. Being very outspoken, he came off as intimidating to people that didn’t know him. On the inside, he was warm as a blanket. He had silly names for everyone. To be around him was to laugh out loud. To know him was to love him.
Even though my siblings and I were miles away in a boarding school. He rarely made a month without visiting us. Neither did he miss any school events, despite his motion sickness and the long drive to the mountains.
From late-night ice-creams to long road trips, watching comedies together and laughing our hearts out, I look fondly upon the best moments of my life.
He was a child at heart. Like, a kid in the candy store. I think it was because he was robbed of his childhood. He was only 13 when his father passed away by murder. Although we never used that word to describe it. A few years later, his mother suddenly passed away. So, he had been through much tragedy in his life.
Following his parents’ death, he took many responsibilities very early on in his life. Life wasn’t easy on him. Rarely ever complaining about it.
Growing up, I never saw him cry. Until one day, when I was leaving for the airport to Canada. He hugged me so tight and cried. That was our last hug.
A few months later, on the phone, mom was nervous to tell me the news: “Dad’s tumour has returned,” she said. “You all need to come to India asap.”
That was the beginning of an end.
The undefeated man I always knew was no longer there. The tumour had taken over him. Looking at the man in the wheelchair, I understood that papa was gone. Furthermore, he had lost the ability to speak and eat. Watching him go through that, shattered me, daily.
Regardless, I would sit beside his wheelchair every day and talk to him. I would fill him in with daily happenings. He listened quietly.
Looking at his eyes, during those days, I could see the pain in them. His eyes said that his mouth no longer could. The silence was deafening.
Precisely 22 days later-on September 05, 2017, he passed away. That day, a part of my heart died with him. Looking back, I wish I had captured all our moments in a lot of pictures and videos. For now, I am thankful that you were my father. I would pick you over and over again.
Miss you, papa.
Happy Father’s Day. I love you.
P.S.
Here’s to all the amazing fathers and father figures. You complete us. We are indebted to you. Today. Tomorrow. Always.
