Healing from the loss of a loved one-
Whether you’ve lost a pet, a friend, a parent or a child, I want you to know that-
When you’re on your knees, your world is falling apart, and you don’t know how to breathe, it’s perfectly ok not to be ok. When life finds you grieving a loss that will stay with you, while the world will be hellbent on getting you to be the person you will never again be.
After losing my dad to cancer, I was devastated beyond words. I didn’t know how to adjust to the new reality. My world without him seemed incomplete. I had never known how permanent death could be.
More than anything I wanted to stop the unbearable pain of losing my dad. I would wonder if I could ever live an authentic life and deal with loss at the same time. Will I ever get back to being the person I used to be?
Even though I was aware of my father’s terminal cancer, nothing prepared me for the devastation grief would bring upon my life. On the journey of healing from the loss of my father, here’s one thing I have found to be the truth-
You can never get over the death of a loved one.
Healing from the loss of a loved one is not easy. Therefore, through this post, I can merely tell you the ways I learnt how to carry my grief in a way that allowed me to live and find my way back out of the darkness.
I won’t give any empty words of advice, no easy steps to get your way “back to normal.” Your new normal would be adjusting to this new bitter reality. With time, you’ll learn to be with what is yours to be with now. This post comes from my heart, for I know the pain death brings.
1) Acceptance:
The first step towards healing is acceptance. Initially, of course, you’d deny it, refuse to accept it- but it’s there. The pain and heaviness are present anywhere you go. You look at the world differently.
You get upset, angry, and try to make it go away, but the pain is a part of you. Don’t try to fix it because it can’t be, but you can acknowledge the presence and accept it.
2)Let go of the guilt:
No one talks about the guilt that comes from losing someone a loved one.
After losing my dad, I felt guilt was one of the strongest ones out of the many emotions I felt. There’s the guilt of not having cried long enough, of laughing at a joke too soon, of not having said proper good-byes, the guilt of moving forward with your life, the guilt of him slipping through my mind for a minute and finally the guilt of being alive while he’s not. You couldn’t have changed anything. So, be easy on yourself.
3) Sit with your emotions:
You cannot heal and live an authentic life if you try to deny or suppress your emotions. Emotions are the force field of the soul. You need to feel and sit with every feeling in your body. It’s necessary to experience the intense sadness, pain and anger you are feeling.
2) Practise gratitude:
After my father passed away, I would fondly look back on the times that we spent together. I don’t see those times that I am missing or now don’t have—but seeing those times as a gift when he was on the earthside. Planting little seeds of gratitude daily will be something you will thank yourself for. This thinking is from a place of love.
3) Legacy:
After losing my dad, I thought about all the things I learnt from him, such as kindness, unconditional love, living life to the fullest, giving back to people and compassion. Ever since I have tried to keep his legacy alive by doing more of the things learnt from him. Let your loved one live through you.
4) Looking for answers in spirituality:
I turned to my family’s spiritual learnings and wisdom after his death. I learnt that the soul never dies; only the body perishes. I was able to look at my grief as the only truth of life. I found comfort in knowing that we can’t control life and death. The only thing we can do is make the most of what we have. I learnt the most important lesson in life: the things we do with our time while we’re alive.
5) Believe they are always watching over you:
I was repeatedly told by my friends that death does not end a relationship. “Your dad may have left the earthside but is always watching over and guiding you.” they would remind me every time I missed him. I had to believe that this is true. I needed this to be true because it was comforting. As they say, “your thoughts become your reality,” and I chose to believe that even though dad may have left us earthside, but our souls are eternally connected.
6) Revisiting the details of the death of your loved one:
My father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour in his brain. Looking back at the days when he was sick in the hospital, I could see the pain in his eyes. Every day, cancer was taking over him, and it was painful. Nobody wants to be in pain all day every day. Thinking positively about death helped me heal. It hurt less to think he was no longer in pain.
7) Understand that everyone grieves differently :
When my dad died in September 2017, I felt as if I had been cut out of the world and placed somewhere unrecognizable. Everything was the same and yet so different. I felt as if I couldn’t function in this world anymore. His absence felt surreal. I couldn’t comprehend for me to be here without him and for the world to continue. His favourite shops, street food corner, carried on serving as if he had never existed.
I’ve come to realize people deal with grief very differently. There’s no single and right way to grieve.
When my dad passed away, we as a family dealt with grief in different ways. On some days, I turned into a blubbering mess-unable to leave the house without crying at every memory of him.
Every little thing in the place reminded me of him. The idea that I would never be able to see, speak, touch and laugh with him again would send me deep down the rabbit hole. I found comfort in my solitude, in sleeping and a whole lot of crying. On the other hand, my brothers held it in, acting stoic, going to work, and keeping busy.
8) Creative Coping
The first few weeks after my dad passed away, the only seemingly good days I had was writing about him or getting together all his pictures and videos and putting them in albums and making collages out of them. Similarly, you could immerse yourself in cooking, baking, painting, colouring, etc (you can pick any creative outlet that brings you relief). These activities may sound so simple that it’s easy to doubt their effectiveness.
9) Talk to someone/ seek therapy:
Bottling up your feelings has never done any good. Share the pain you are feeling with your people.
If not, then speak to a professional. Therapy is always a good idea. I did not because I opened up with my family and that was all the therapy I needed.
It’s easy to forget that there are so many others carrying that same emptiness within. I shared my pain with my loved ones. We would all gather around after dinner and share our favourite stories of dad. Those stories would make us laugh, cry and miss him more. But, we all carried that pain together. As a family, sharing that pain deepened our bond.
10) Online support groups:
While I never sought professional help from a therapist, I did the next best thing. I joined several online support groups that had lost their loved ones to the same kind of cancer my dad was diagnosed with. We were all just healing from the loss of our loved ones. This may not be your usual course of action but it worked for me. More than anything, I heard so many stories about how so many other families have experienced this pain. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, but it was comforting to know we’re not alone.
11) Don’t Rush:
Don’t rush yourself towards “healing” or a “completion” that can never be, and now learn how to be present with unbearable pain and unfixable horror. The journey to healing from the loss of a loved one is different each day. Grief comes in waves, and somedays you’re drowning. It’s a lot of batting with your emotions, the loss and the emptiness. There are no rules and timelines. Go at your own pace. Whatever that might be.
Through my grieving journey, I have learnt that the pain never goes away; it just becomes a part of you.
There are so many people grieving along right now. Healing from a loss of a loved one can be heavy and I want you to know that you’re not alone. Can we as a community offer them much needed support and advice? What rituals helped you grieve? Was there a meditation, a book or a network that helped you? Please share in the comments below. Thank you in advance.
P.S.
xx
Yachna
