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  • Ask Yachna: “When To Walk Away From A Relationship”?

    Ask Yachna: “When To Walk Away From A Relationship”?

    When to walk away from a relationship? a reader reached out to me last week and expressed her problems in the following the question.

    Q: “I am the type of person that has a hard time quitting. I keep it going until I am black and blue; now, the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that this isn’t exactly a fully positive quality. My question is: when do you call it quits? How do you differentiate between trying harder and making things work and cutting your losses and moving on.”

    This is such an excellent question. Thank you for bringing this forward. We’ve all been at a point in our lives where we’ve asked ourselves: “should I give up and walk away from this relationship?”

    First, I want to start off by saying there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the happiest of couples will have fights, arguments, disagreements and temporary break-ups. That’s completely normal. 

     There will be a time when you’ll have to remove the rose-tinted glasses and see if those seemingly little arguments/disagreements are leading to significant roadblocks in your relationship. 

    If you are at this crossroads of your relationship, then that means you’ve been given several reasons to walk away. If I were you, I would ask myself this question- by not giving up on that relationship, what are you giving up?

    I’ve put together a little guide based on my personal experiences for you in hopes that this helps you attain better clarity of your relationship, and you’re able to make the most informed decision.  Here goes:

    1) Your relationship does not make you happy:

     Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner and spending time with them. Obviously, you cannot be consistently happy all the time. That’s not realistic. 

    If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why? Perhaps it’s you or maybe your partner. It’s good to understand why you are feeling unhappy, so it’s good to know why you are feeling unhappy. So, you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There’s no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was. 

    2) You’re on different paths in life:

    Sometimes you can start a relationship in one place, but you can change mindsets as you grow. Long term relationships can be amazing as you grow and change with your partner. But, sometimes, you grow and change at a different rate than your partner. If you and your partner are moving in different directions, it can be challenging to navigate the relationship. Sometimes, you can be in other places emotionally, and you might not want the same things. If this is the case, then you should separate amicably. 

    3) Lack of support:

    In a relationship, support is critical. In a healthy relationship, you build each other up and have each other’s back no matter what. You want to feel like your partner believes in what you’re doing and is your biggest cheerleader. If that kind of support is missing, you can start to feel let down, discouraged, and disappointed. 

    Lack of support in a relationship can create an emotional void that can damage and potentially end the relationship. If this has been addressed several times and you find yourself in the same situation, then’s it’s time to leave and drive off into the sunset. 

    4) Abuse of any sort: 

    Any abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then this is a clear sign for you to walk away from the relationship. This remains non-negotiable.

    Any kind of abuse is damaging and results in trauma and heartbreak that stays with you. An abuser always tends to convince you to stay. If this is the case, please, you should leave for your own safety. Please understand there are help hotlines available, and you must contact should you need them. Remember, you are not alone in this. 

    5) Lack of trust: 

    The foundation of all relationships is trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could lead to a lot of doubts and insecurity in the relationship.

    Lack of trust, more often than not, could lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing your partner’s trust is a sign that something is majorly wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it.

    However, if your relationship is past the rebuilding stage, maybe because your partner betrayed your trust too many times, then it’s time to leave. It’s hard to rebuild a trust that’s been broken one too many times. It’s all about what makes you happy. 

    6) You’re putting in more effort than your partner: 

    An ideal relationship requires a joint effort. While a little compromise and a little give and take are expected in a relationship, there’s something that should never have to be given up in love. 

    So, when you take note of all the things you’ve to give up to be in that relationship and give more than you are getting back, then it’s time to walk away from that relationship. I understand being alone is hard for some people more than others. Having someone to care for you is nice, but it shouldn’t cost you your happiness. 

    7) You feel like you’re alone:

    If being with your partner makes you feel alone, then you might as well cut the dead weight, cut your losses and give yourself space to remember what you really want your life to look like. Remember, if you wanted to be alone, you would be. 

    8) You are stuck in a toxic cycle:

    For example- you keep attempting to address an issue, and it keeps happening again and again. When you’re in a relationship with another human, you’re both going to make mistakes. Repeatedly. We make mistakes, and we forgive each other and hopefully forget. 

    However, if it’s something that you feel is not unreasonable and within their grasp to change and, in turn, make your life happier together, and they refuse any effort, that’s no way to live. We should want our partner to be satisfied.

    Always remember, an apology without changed behaviour is just emotional manipulation. 

    9) You’re living in the past: 

    If you find yourself living in the past, how things once were more than the here and now. Things should grow deeper and become stronger over time. If you find yourself lost in the theatre of nostalgia, well, you can play that movie as a singleton anytime while at the same time beginning a new act of your life with the prospect of a happier future.

    Remember, 

    Before you plan your exit, allow your partner to address the issues you’re having (unless it’s infidelity or abuse. That’s a no-brainer: walk away from that relationship). Give them a chance to fix what they may not realize is broken. You owe them that much. Communicate how you are feeling. If they are genuinely “in it,” they will want to make it right. If you have given them the chance to help you write it and don’t choose to take it, consider it a mutual decision and call the movers.

    You know one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is when to stay with somebody and when to leave someone for good. The moment you start to think about walking away from a relationship, you’re done with it. Once you’ve mentally disconnected from a relationship, the physical will follow.

    You’ve got one life. Be true to yourself. It may be scary to think about life after you leave, but it’s even more frightening to imagine staying with someone who doesn’t value you as you deserve to be appreciated.

    (Really though, if you’re asking this question here, that’s a pretty good indicator that you already know. Follow your instincts.)

    Finally, leaving a relationship is really difficult. I hope everyone who’s going through it will find much-needed peace and happiness. If walking away keeps you away from chasing a fairytale for the rest of your life, please walk away.

    Have you had to make this decision? What signs made you leave?

    P.S.  

    More dating tips.

    (Featured Image from Yeh Jawaani Hai Dewaani).

  • On Healing From The Loss Of A Loved One.

    On Healing From The Loss Of A Loved One.

    Ilustration by harrietleemerrion

    Healing from the loss of a loved one-

    Whether you’ve lost a pet, a friend, a parent or a child, I want you to know that-

    When you’re on your knees, your world is falling apart, and you don’t know how to breathe, it’s perfectly ok not to be ok. When life finds you grieving a loss that will stay with you, while the world will be hellbent on getting you to be the person you will never again be.

    Ilustration by aolanow

    After losing my dad to cancer, I was devastated beyond words. I didn’t know how to adjust to the new reality. My world without him seemed incomplete. I had never known how permanent death could be. 

    More than anything I wanted to stop the unbearable pain of losing my dad. I would wonder if I could ever live an authentic life and deal with loss at the same time. Will I ever get back to being the person I used to be?

     Even though I was aware of my father’s terminal cancer, nothing prepared me for the devastation grief would bring upon my life. On the journey of healing from the loss of my father, here’s one thing I have found to be the truth- 

    You can never get over the death of a loved one.

    Healing from the loss of a loved one is not easy. Therefore, through this post, I can merely tell you the ways I learnt how to carry my grief in a way that allowed me to live and find my way back out of the darkness. 

    I won’t give any empty words of advice, no easy steps to get your way “back to normal.” Your new normal would be adjusting to this new bitter reality. With time, you’ll learn to be with what is yours to be with now. This post comes from my heart, for I know the pain death brings. 

    Illustration by aolanow

    1) Acceptance:

    The first step towards healing is acceptance. Initially, of course, you’d deny it, refuse to accept it- but it’s there. The pain and heaviness are present anywhere you go. You look at the world differently.

    You get upset, angry, and try to make it go away, but the pain is a part of you. Don’t try to fix it because it can’t be, but you can acknowledge the presence and accept it. 

    2)Let go of the guilt:

    No one talks about the guilt that comes from losing someone a loved one.

    After losing my dad, I felt guilt was one of the strongest ones out of the many emotions I felt. There’s the guilt of not having cried long enough, of laughing at a joke too soon, of not having said proper good-byes, the guilt of moving forward with your life, the guilt of him slipping through my mind for a minute and finally the guilt of being alive while he’s not. You couldn’t have changed anything. So, be easy on yourself. 

    Illustration by aolanow

    3) Sit with your emotions:

     You cannot heal and live an authentic life if you try to deny or suppress your emotions. Emotions are the force field of the soul. You need to feel and sit with every feeling in your body. It’s necessary to experience the intense sadness, pain and anger you are feeling. 

    2) Practise gratitude:

    After my father passed away, I would fondly look back on the times that we spent together. I don’t see those times that I am missing or now don’t have—but seeing those times as a gift when he was on the earthside. Planting little seeds of gratitude daily will be something you will thank yourself for. This thinking is from a place of love. 

    3) Legacy:

    After losing my dad, I thought about all the things I learnt from him, such as kindness, unconditional love, living life to the fullest, giving back to people and compassion. Ever since I have tried to keep his legacy alive by doing more of the things learnt from him. Let your loved one live through you. 

    Illustration by aolanow

    4) Looking for answers in spirituality:

    I turned to my family’s spiritual learnings and wisdom after his death. I learnt that the soul never dies; only the body perishes. I was able to look at my grief as the only truth of life. I found comfort in knowing that we can’t control life and death. The only thing we can do is make the most of what we have. I learnt the most important lesson in life: the things we do with our time while we’re alive. 

    5) Believe they are always watching over you:

    I was repeatedly told by my friends that death does not end a relationship. “Your dad may have left the earthside but is always watching over and guiding you.” they would remind me every time I missed him. I had to believe that this is true. I needed this to be true because it was comforting. As they say, “your thoughts become your reality,” and I chose to believe that even though dad may have left us earthside, but our souls are eternally connected. 

    Ilustration by aolanow

    6) Revisiting the details of the death of your loved one:

    My father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour in his brain. Looking back at the days when he was sick in the hospital, I could see the pain in his eyes. Every day, cancer was taking over him, and it was painful. Nobody wants to be in pain all day every day. Thinking positively about death helped me heal. It hurt less to think he was no longer in pain. 

    7) Understand that everyone grieves differently :

    When my dad died in September 2017, I felt as if I had been cut out of the world and placed somewhere unrecognizable. Everything was the same and yet so different. I felt as if I couldn’t function in this world anymore. His absence felt surreal. I couldn’t comprehend for me to be here without him and for the world to continue. His favourite shops, street food corner, carried on serving as if he had never existed. 

    I’ve come to realize people deal with grief very differently. There’s no single and right way to grieve. 

    Ilustration by jessiecave

    When my dad passed away, we as a family dealt with grief in different ways. On some days, I turned into a blubbering mess-unable to leave the house without crying at every memory of him. 

    Every little thing in the place reminded me of him. The idea that I would never be able to see, speak, touch and laugh with him again would send me deep down the rabbit hole. I found comfort in my solitude, in sleeping and a whole lot of crying. On the other hand, my brothers held it in, acting stoic, going to work, and keeping busy.

    Illustration by aolanow

    8) Creative Coping 

    The first few weeks after my dad passed away, the only seemingly good days I had was writing about him or getting together all his pictures and videos and putting them in albums and making collages out of them. Similarly, you could immerse yourself in cooking, baking, painting, colouring, etc (you can pick any creative outlet that brings you relief). These activities may sound so simple that it’s easy to doubt their effectiveness. 

    Ilustration by theimaginarylibrary

    9) Talk to someone/ seek therapy:

    Bottling up your feelings has never done any good. Share the pain you are feeling with your people. 

    If not, then speak to a professional. Therapy is always a good idea. I did not because I opened up with my family and that was all the therapy I needed.

    It’s easy to forget that there are so many others carrying that same emptiness within. I shared my pain with my loved ones. We would all gather around after dinner and share our favourite stories of dad. Those stories would make us laugh, cry and miss him more. But, we all carried that pain together. As a family, sharing that pain deepened our bond.

    Illustration by leahreenagoren

    10) Online support groups:

    While I never sought professional help from a therapist, I did the next best thing. I joined several online support groups that had lost their loved ones to the same kind of cancer my dad was diagnosed with. We were all just healing from the loss of our loved ones. This may not be your usual course of action but it worked for me. More than anything, I heard so many stories about how so many other families have experienced this pain. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, but it was comforting to know we’re not alone.

    Illustration by charlotte.ager

    11) Don’t Rush:

    Don’t rush yourself towards “healing” or a “completion” that can never be, and now learn how to be present with unbearable pain and unfixable horror. The journey to healing from the loss of a loved one is different each day. Grief comes in waves, and somedays you’re drowning. It’s a lot of batting with your emotions, the loss and the emptiness. There are no rules and timelines. Go at your own pace. Whatever that might be. 

    Through my grieving journey, I have learnt that the pain never goes away; it just becomes a part of you. 

    Illustration by aolanow

    There are so many people grieving along right now. Healing from a loss of a loved one can be heavy and I want you to know that you’re not alone. Can we as a community offer them much needed support and advice? What rituals helped you grieve? Was there a meditation, a book or a network that helped you? Please share in the comments below. Thank you in advance.

    P.S.

    More tips to heal your mind.

    xx

    Yachna

  • Ask Yachna: “How To Deal With a Guy Who’s Giving Mixed Signals”?

    Ask Yachna: “How To Deal With a Guy Who’s Giving Mixed Signals”?

    I am excited to kick off the first installment of the blog’s new relationship column. Today, I will be starting off by answering the first question I got on my Instagram by a reader about dating (I’d love to hear some of your responses on it too). 

    Q: “You know what I’m dealing with this situation right now, where I talked to this guy I used to go to school with, but I’ve been getting extremely mixed signals from him. He said he didn’t want to talk as much but keeps hitting me up still! I have enjoyed his company, but I also feel like if I reply to him & act like everything’s okay, I’d be putting my integrity on the line. I like this guy, but I also don’t know what to do here.”

    Girl, I feel you. I’ve been you. I cannot think of anything more frustrating to deal with.

    When a guy truly likes you, there will be no mixed signals. Mixed signals come from the man who isn’t just that into you. I know that sounds harsh, but it has proven to be true in all my dating history. When a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to talk as much, I would just leave him be. 

     He still hits you up and tells you that he doesn’t want anything serious means he just wants to have fun and also on his terms. Clearly, not on yours. That’s not okay.

     I would set some boundaries, even if you want something casual. He likes you but also wants something casual, that’s fine if you want the same thing. But, both of you should be able to reach out to one another without feeling like you’re giving up your self-respect. The feeling needs to be mutual. However, you are not feeling that way.

    Another thing, when you have to act like everything’s okay and suppress your true feelings to keep the conversation going, then you know it’s not a healthy setting. You will never have to feel like you are putting your integrity in line with a man who genuinely cares for you. We, women tend to think that men usually are not good at expressing their feelings. Let me tell you, that’s not true at all. When a man likes you, he will make sure you know that he’s into you. Believe me, when I say men go above and beyond for the woman they have feelings for. 

    Remember, always put your self-respect over feelings. Casual or serious, it doesn’t matter. 

    Do you have any words of advice that you would like to add to this situation? Do you have any questions that you would like to answer in the next week’s column? Please let me know in the comments below. 

    P.S.

    Another awesome dating tip.

    xx

    Yachna

  • Do You Have Any Dating/Relationship Questions?

    Do You Have Any Dating/Relationship Questions?

    Do you have any dating/relationship questions?

    Over the past few years, I have thought to myself, why not become a dating coach? I’ve always had a passion for helping my loved ones, especially when it came to their dating/relationship life. The seeds of it started to plant in my mind while watching ‘Sex and the City.’ Watching Carrie salvage her dating problems into a column was a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine.

    Starting next week, I will be answering questions about relationships, including dating, marriage, divorce and everything in between. With some help from my friends, I will answer all of your questions in a new segment titled “Ask Yachna.”

    Do you have any questions like why am I getting mixed signals, what questions to ask and not ask on a first date, how to walk away from a relationship that’s not working? Have you ever been ghosted? The list goes on… whatever is on your mind, I’d love to hear from you.

    Please leave your comments below. Or, if you’d like, you can DM me on Instagram or email me at yachnaa@yahoo.com with the subject line “Ask Yachna.”

    xx

    Yachna

    (Image from Normal People).

  • Why is Sexual Violence A Huge Issue in India?

    Why is Sexual Violence A Huge Issue in India?

     

    Why is sexual violence a huge issue in India?

    “My daughter was lying naked with her tongue bitten and protruding out, with heavy bleeding from her eyes and vagina. Her eyes were bulging out, and she was bleeding from her mouth, neck, and blood near her eyes. I quickly covered her with the pallu of my saree and started screaming,” recalls Manisha Valmiki’s mother as per a report by Newslaundry.

    As per the victim’s mother, the police did not listen to them and said, “Just take her from here. She’s being dramatic and lying here. Do you want to trap us?”

    The gang-rape and murder of the 19-year-old from Hathras has shaken the entire nation’s consciousness sending shock waves across the country. The victim’s family remains inconsolable as they fight for justice. The police officials cremated the body without any of her family being present at the funeral—a life of humiliation.

    Today, women across the country no longer feel safe. Stories like these stay in our collective consciousness for a long time and send shivers down our spine. Any form of sexual violence should never happen to anyone. Ever.

    Other than the slow implementation of anti-rape laws, the other two cultural reasons for sexual violence in India, in my opinion, are these-

    1) Lack Of Proper Sex Education:

    Sexual violence in India is largely due to a lack of sex education.

    Suppressing sex, tabooing is the primary cause of all the rapes that happen in India. It’s indisputable! People try to avoid and escape discussing and educating people about human sexuality, which is one of the many aspects of life. During biology classes, the chapters concerning the human reproductive system are either left out for the students to understand by themselves or taught in brief. The only “education” that a person gets is through porn. 

    Sex education needs to involve learning about what coercion is, it needs to educate teens about privacy, genital care, sexualities and most importantly consent.

    A boy, for example, won’t be educated on what menstruation is. This conversation gap creates an awkward environment where the sister keeps hiding her pain and sanitary napkins from her brother. 

    If you are a girl, your cleavage is distracting, and it needs to be hidden/covered at all times. Almost every girl has experienced the ” change from your shorts/skirts into pants because we have guests coming over.”

    The occurences of such conversations are so common in our society, it speaks lenghts about the mentality we are battling.

    2) Rape is not about sex. It’s about power:

    There have been many contradictions on the statement: “rape is not about sex but power.”

    However, from the perspective of a rape victim, there is nothing sexual about the experience. The experience is one of being powerless, of forcibly giving in to the power of the perpetrator. It is the polar opposite of everything that we believe about sex. To describe it as a sexual experience is despicable, for lack of a stronger word.

    But rape literature is written by victims, and by people who sympathize with victims. Conflating the horror of a victim’s experience of powerlessness with the possibility that anyone – even the perpetrator – might have viewed the incident as being in any way related to sex is offensive and, therefore, unacceptable.

     

     

    There are numerous cases where the victims fail to report the crime. Have you thought of those girls who still didn’t get Justice? And those who get molested daily but still can’t push back due to fear? Just because of the hypocritical society, people won’t be concerned about your situation. Instead, they will start questioning your character and judge you as someone who provoked the guy to molest you.

     Even within a family, some people molest their cousins or nephew or a relative. In that situation, who do you go to complain? Will anyone trust her? Or will they question her character? There will be a simple answer to this: your mentality, teachings, and upbringing. 

    Those who believe women as an object something to play with are the ones who do all these disgusting practices. Rape destroys families and communities. The trauma resulting from it haunts the victims for the rest of their lives.

    The only way to get rid of such a situation is to empathize with the pain they are going through. Rape is a horrible thing and needs to end. The culture in India is hellbent on moral policing, their daughters that they forget to give their son sanskaar.

     

    Lastly,

    Celebrate sex; it’s beautiful to give and receive pleasure. Parents speak to your children about sex when the time’s right. Do not avoid the topic because it’s uncomfortable for you. That’s brutal and selfish. Men respect a woman; she’s the greatest gift bestowed on humanity. 

     

    xx

    Yachna

     

    P.S.

    Have a beautiful weekend.

    (Featured image by TikiWen).

     

  • What’s the Most Beautiful Thing You’ve Ever Read?

    What’s the Most Beautiful Thing You’ve Ever Read?

    “What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever read?” I ask because…

    Earlier this week, when I sat down to research what to write next for my blog, my mind was running a blank. I felt lazy, uninspired and out of sync with myself. Every night after dinner, I would get under my covers, reading the saved quotes from my favourite movies and books. I stayed up late at night, rereading them while they brought me comfort and joy. You could say, like a warm blanket on a chilly day. 

    At that moment, I decided I would compile these beautiful quotes as this week’s blog post for you in hopes that you find comfort in them, just like I did. 

    “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
    ― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

    “Maybe… you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
    “Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”
    “Yes. I want to ruin you.”
    “Good,” I said. “That’s what I want too.”
    — Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell To Arms

    “She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”
    —J. D. Salinger, A Girl I Knew

    “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
    ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

    “Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
    “Pooh!” he whispered.
    “Yes, Piglet?”
    “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
    ― A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”

    “I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh.
    “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”
    ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

    “He kisses—how do I explain it? Like someone in love. Like he has nothing to lose. Like someone who has just learned a foreign language and can use only the present tense and only the second person. Only now, only you.”
    ― Andrew Sean Greer, Less

    My mother did not choose a leaf or a head. She chose my father. And to hold on to a certain feeling, she sacrificed the world.”
    ― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

    “If he loved with all the powers, he couldn’t love as much in eighty years as I could in a day.”
    ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

    “I think, quite frankly, that the world simply does not care for the complicated girls, the ones who seem too dark, too deep, too vibrant, too opinionated, the ones who are so intriguing that new men fall in love with them every day, at every meal where there’s a waiter, in every taxi and on every train they board, in any instance where someone can get to know them just a little bit, just enough to get completely gone. But most men, in the end, don’t quite have the stomach for that much person.”

    ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women

    “I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down. And I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.” 

    — Shauna Niequist,  Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

    What about you? If you have a minute, I would love to hear your favourite line from a book or a movie.

    P.S.

    A beautiful love story.

    xx

    Yachna

    (Image from the Instagram of wanderlustface).

  • My Beauty Cocktail: Angelli Garcia

    My Beauty Cocktail: Angelli Garcia

    A 23 years old, Edmonton-based fashion stylist and the proud owner of her fashion e-commerce store ‘Gikan,’ Angelli Garcia is one of my favourite people to follow for style on Instagram. I’ve come to admire her effortlessly sexy style, all while being sophisticated. Her style mantra, she quotes, “I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I go for pieces that are timeless and last me long.”

    Here she shares the products that make her skin glow, the muses that inspire the beautiful work of Gikan, and her golden beauty rule (that everyone needs to hear).

    What was your idea of beauty when growing up?

    “Growing up in the Philippines, colorism was a big part of my culture. I think colorism exists in most of the cultures. The standard of beauty was that the lighter and skinnier you are, the better off you are in life. It’s not right for any specific body type or colour of the skin to be the standard of the beauty.”

    When it comes to your style, what’s your mantra?

    “My mantra, I would say, is I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I usually tend to go for pieces that are timeless and last me long. I don’t have a set style since I love sportswear just as much as skirts and dresses. Since working retail at Nike for a while, I’ve collected my fair share of Jordans and Nike sneakers. The only rule I have when it comes to personal style is to wear everything with confidence.”

    The name of your brand is ‘Gikan’, what does it mean?

    “Gikan means to come from in Bisaya. I carry my language and culture within me daily, and that is something I don’t want to lose sight of in my work.”

    How did ‘Gikan’ start?

    “Gikan started in 2019, with handcrafted bags. I bought scrap fabric from Cebu. 

    I decided to rebrand and provide a clear vision of what gikan is. Through Gikan, I openly embraced my culture after feeling a massive disconnect from it when I first moved here.

    In Gikan, you will see a significant impact of my culture in my designs and how I create every piece with purpose. Gikan normalizes that we are different, making us all beautiful-just the way we are. And that’s empowering to me. My intent with Gikan is to bring quality handmade products, all the while having the image of a modern Filipina as my muse and inspiration.”

    Out of all the designs from your collection, which one of them is closest to your heart and why?

    The Cebu top because it was the one that got Gikan off the ground. At first, I was selling bags with traditional Filipino textile lining, but that didn’t work as successfully as Gikan is now. The Cebu top got so popular so quickly. I made it for myself first, and everyone else loved it too. So, I hold it very near and dear to my heart.

    What is your philosophy when it comes to creating designs?

    “My philosophy, when it comes to creating, is simple but also timeless. To create more with less. I skip fast fashion trends and keep the style like our Cebu top. That top fits all body types, and I think that’s beautiful. I intend to design all my pieces to be more inclusive for everyone in all shapes and sizes.”

    What’s your muse when creating your clothes and bags?

    “The pride I feel in being a Filipina” is the driving force behind my fashion pieces. I get inspired by the deep blue ocean, the green trees, and Cebu’s sun’s warmth while brainstorming ideas for designs. And, you will see these colours reflected in all Gikan designs.”

    You mentioned earlier that you handcraft all your merchandise. That’s pretty impressive. Can you describe the process? 

    “I start with a vision in my mind. I typically get my ideas at the oddest hours, like at 3 am. Then, I create a pattern for it. After experimenting with some samples’ vision, I go ahead and do it on the actual material and from there on, I sew. 

    As for earings, I usually play around with the different clays’ colours and see what I like the best. 

    Of course, I wouldn’t want to put anything out for accessories and clothing that I wouldn’t like, or I wouldn’t wear. So, that’s one of my top priorities.”

    How is your skin so gorgeous? Walk us through it.

    Thank you!!

    It took a lot of trial and error for me to get the right products for my skin. My skin routine completely changed after my trip to Asia (Korea and Japan), where I discovered a lot of AMAZING skin care products that have worked magic on my skin.

    Before that, I used skincare from Boxy Charm. I am thankful for the $30 subscription box each month, which allowed me to experiment with different skincare and makeup products.

    I start off by washing my face with Senka White Clay Facial Cleanser. Then, I use The Ordinary Toning solution. After, I put on Hadalabo Gokujun Hyaluronic Lotion Moist followed by The Ordinary Plant-Derived Squalane. Finally, I moisturize using my First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream. My skin would be a wreck without it.

    My final step after the moisturizer is the Dr. Jart Cicapair Cream. I LOVE this cream.

    Exfoliation?

    Yes, I exfoliate twice a week or when I feel the need for it. Dr. Brandt Microdermabrasion is my favourite but the St. Ives Anti-Acne scrub is more affordable and also works well with my skin. I wash with a cleanser right after or the other way around. It’s not a huge deal to me which one I put first.

    I dermaplan once a week to get rid of the little fuzzies or any dead skin. Right after I use The Innisfree Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask. I LOVE the mask. It makes a HUGE difference on the skin because my skin feels brand new and fresh after.  

    If you could only use one skincare product all your life, what would it be and why?

    ” Without a doubt Cicapair. It corrects all the redness on my skin. It’s a beautiful green in colour but after a while, it blends into your skin. When I wake up, it looks like I have used concealer on my skin. It gets rid of all the unevenness on my skin. It’s is my FAVOURITE product so far, and I would highly recommend it. 

    Having experimented with several makeup products, could you walk me through your make up routine?

    I start by using a Soap Brow and Spoolie to set my brows (I use a disposable one that i’ve been reusing and washing).

    I then use IT Cosmetics CC Cream Illumination for full coverage on my skin (it also has SPF). After, I use Too Faced Born This Way Concealer for a natural finish.

    For my brows I use the Morphe Brow Cream, it’s so inexpensive and makes my brows look fuller.

    For Bronzer, I use Physicians Formula Butter Bronzer in Sunkissed. The bronzer is super affordable and goes on so beautifully. After I use Wet n Wild Color Icon Blush in mellow wine and Wet n Wild Highlight in golden flower crown.

    After the final step, I use the Morphe Continuous Setting Spray, which is light and refreshing and holds my makeup all day.

    For mascara, I use the L’oreal Telescopic Waterproof Mascara.

    What is your go-to lipstick?

    I would go with something nude like Sephora’s Lipstories Lipstick in 06-tan lines. Or, just the Laneige Lip Glowy Balm in berry more often.

    If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive? Who would it be and why?

    I would choose one of my ancestors that I have never met. Because I want to know more about my roots, stories about life experiences back then they were alive. That would give me so much insight into not only my culture but also myself. It would be cool to know about the similarities and differences between us.

    What’s next for ‘Gikan’?

    I have this vision of showcasing other Filipino designers’ work in Gikan. Not only the Gikan house brand. More like a one-stop-shop for various Filipino makers, artists, and designers.

    I am hopeful that I get my own space in the future. For now, we are just going to remain as an e-commerce site and create things that I am passionate about creating. I am excited to see what’s next for us. 

    Thank you so much, Angelli. We can’t wait to see what’s next for Gikan.

    P.S.

    A simple trick to happiness.

    (Photos of Angelli from her Instagram, photos of Angelli with bags by Katherine Kingston.)

    xx

    Yachna

  • A Beautiful Love Story.

    A Beautiful Love Story.

    I came across this beautiful love story on The Humans Of New York (duh, where else?). It was one of those stories that teared me up. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it must be like to experience a love like this. I hope we all get to feel something like this someday.

    “He had five daughters. And whenever he came home from a work trip, we’d all line up to give him a kiss. But he always kissed my mom first, because she was his ‘first love.’ Then he went on to his ‘second love,’ and his ‘third love.’ On weekends we’d all pile into the car and take these long road trips. We’d drive for hours, and the whole way he’d be singing to my mother. It was a normal thing for us, because we were used to it. But that kind of affection wasn’t normal in our culture. We used to have these karaoke parties with our extended family, and everyone else would sing normal songs. But Papa would choose these old, romantic Bollywood songs. And he’d sing directly to Mama. She loved every second of it. She’d get dressed up for him. She’d put on her brightest red lipstick. And she’d do her hair just as he liked it, even after she got sick. The tumor was deep in her brain. After every surgery, more and more of her would slip away. When she couldn’t walk properly anymore, she grew embarrassed of her limp. So Papa held her hand wherever they went. He’d sit next to her bed, and stroke her cheek, and recite the Quran until his lips went dry. Some nights he’d fall asleep sitting up in his chair, but then he’d wake up, and begin praying again. In her final moments, when she was slipping away, he leaned close to her and whispered: ‘You won’t be alone. I’m coming with you.’ I heard him say it. And I got so angry. It seemed selfish to me, as if the rest of us weren’t worth living for. But all his children were grown. Most of us had our own families. And I guess he felt like there was nothing left for him. Every day he visited Mama’s grave, even though we told him not to. He applied for the plot next to her, and every few hours he’d ask if the cemetery had called. He was obsessed. When the paperwork finally arrived, I rolled my eyes. But he got very quiet. For the next two days he barely said a word. Then on the third morning, he walked in our front door and told me he wasn’t feeling well. I bent down to help him with his shoes, but he collapsed on the floor. There wasn’t time for him to suffer. Because by the time the ambulance arrived, he was already gone.”

    I was an emotional mess after reading this. What about you? It seems so silly sometimes; the simplest things leave a deeper impact on you.

    P.S.

    How do you know your partner is the one?

    xx

    Yachna

  • How to Spot A Toxic Friend in Your Life?

    How to Spot A Toxic Friend in Your Life?

    By very popular demand (by mostly my friend, Magda), today I talk about: how to spot a toxic friend in your life?

    Let’s Face It: Not all friendships are good and healthy ones. Some friends are toxic and can be difficult to spot. Unhealthy friendships are only entertaining on Gossip Girl. In real life, they are just no Bueno and can be one of the biggest ways you can destroy your joy, self-worth and confidence.

    It’s easy to miss signs of a toxic friendship as it is happening because they are combined with affectionate and caring gestures. We don’t hear or learn too much about it.

    I’ve experienced my fair share of toxic friends, and hell, I’ve probably been a toxic friend myself.

    Let’s talk about this objectively, as this is such a common problem no matter how old you are. Here goes, some significant signs on how to spot a toxic friend in your life. Use this as a guide to NOT be a toxic one yourself.

    1) They downplay your accomplishments: 

    Imagine telling your friend about your goals and accomplishments, and they don’t say anything at all or get quiet. That’s a MAJOR  red flag.

    One evening, over dinner with one of my closest “friends,” I remember (very excitedly) expressing with her my future dreams and goals. To which she replied, “I feel like you are confused in life. You need to stick to one thing.” I cannot describe the pain I felt hearing that from a friend. If they aren’t celebrating your success, they are NOT your friend.

    IMPORTANT: People will show you who they are if you pay attention. 

    2) They always smother you:

    Have you ever had a friend that makes you feel guilty for setting up boundaries or speaking up for yourself? 

    This friend expects you to put everything aside and meet their needs. Some friends can be toxic in a way where they cross all the boundaries you have set for yourself. This friend wants to spend all their free time together. They are highly dependent on you emotionally. They will vent all their problems with you, completely disregarding if you have the mental and emotional space. 

    3) Putting You Down Constantly:

    Let me start by saying this; a friend will never put you down. Only a frenemy will. Remember that.  

    My “friend” would reveal the personal things I would tell her in confidence. She would “jokingly” put me down in front of others. Her words were shrouded in “being funny or light-hearted.”

    Knowing that it bothered me, she was unwilling to apologize. Every. Single. Time. Over time, these not-so-little things took up big space in the friendship, and I walked away from it.

    4) They are passive-aggressive, silent treatment always:  

    You: “Is Everything Okay?”

    Friend: “Yes.”

    You: “It seems like you’re mad at me?”

    Friend: “No. I’M NOT.”

    There is a lack of clear and open communication. Having experienced this, I can confirm this is mentally and emotionally taxing. 

    5) You constantly question your friendship but always find excuses to stay:

    Have you ever been in a situation where something doesn’t feel quite right about a friend? You don’t know what it is.

    For several years, I went back and forth about wanting to end a long term friendship with a friend (let’s call her) Andrea. I couldn’t shake the feeling within me, telling me to distance myself from her.

    There were subtle signs that I chose to ignore. “Andrea has always been there for me,” I would think out loud and shut down all the doubts that crept in.

    Yes, she had always been there for me. And, I shall never forget that.

    6) Negative Nancy: 

    This person has a negative spin on everything in life. Spending time with this friend is guaranteed to put you down for the next few days.

    I remember, feeling mentally exhausted after hanging out with Andrea (again!). After having a thousand (if not more) conversations with her about changing her behaviour, the effects were short-lived.

    7) They manipulate situations to their advantage:

    Ever have a friend that often gives you backhanded compliments?

    For instance- how you walk, talk or how you’re “too kind” (or calls you stupid, dumb, weak, whatever negative phrases you can think of that’s hurtful and untrue).

    To make things worse, they will refuse to take accountability for their hateful remarks and, in turn, comment, “you can’t take a joke.” Somehow, they manipulate you in believing that you are the problem. 

    8) They don’t appreciate or recognize the things you do for them

    Toxic friends/people don’t value the time you give and your relationship.

    This friend expects to hang out at their convenience. They completely discard your current feeling/situation—not taking no for an answer or guilt-tripping you into saying yes. Sayings things like, “if you care for me, you will go out with me.” Looking back, I realize it was unhealthy and manipulative. 

    9) They are lazy and unfocused

    In the words of Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If your friends aren’t pushing you and helping you grow, then it’s time to change your circle. Always remember, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. 

    And Finally,

    10) If you think of them when reading this post.

    Saving The Friendship Vs. Letting Them Go?

    “An apology is changed behaviour.” The mantra that has made seemingly complicated decisions easier for me. 

    Here are some of the things you can do too if you are ever at crossroads about a friend:

    1) Talk It Out

    Have a heart-to-heart conversation (on text or in real life, wherever you are most comfortable) to discuss issues in your relationship with that friend, and how the both of you plan to address them going forward. If the said friend agrees to changes moving forward, reconsider ending the friendship. If not, say goodbye and move on.

    2) Distance Yourself

    Begin to distance yourself away from them, and mix with a new circle of friends. In the end, trust your gut. It never lies. 

    3) BREAK UP!

    Tell them that you are ending the friendship, and why. Block all methods of contact with them. Yes, even social media. This is ONLY for the friends who have shown that they have little to no capacity to change, those who are toxic and have issues of their own that you cannot or do not feel qualified to solve.

    My Final Thoughts 

     Remember, you come first. Always.

    Life is short. There is no time for toxicity. Get out there and look for friends who value you for who you are, and make sure you feel the same way about them. Above all, you deserve friendships deeper and complex than the toxic ones.

    Look for people who raise you and make you feel like you want to raise them.

    And remember— if it feels off, it probably is.

    Learn the lessons and say goodbye. If you are feeling incredibly brave, say even “thank you.” Thank you for teaching me what not to accept and tolerate again. 

    In conclusion, I can testify that the months following the time I got rid of my toxic friendships – I felt confident, happy & optimistic. Things every human being deserves to feel always.

    How did you spot a toxic friend in your life? How have you recognized toxic friendships? What were the signs? 

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    Put. Yourself. First. Always.

    (Illustrations by aolanow. Pictures Gossip Girl, Clueless, Mean Girls)

  • How Do You Know Your Partner Is The One?

    How Do You Know Your Partner Is The One?

    Previously, we have talked about various things such as dating, ghosting and pregnancy. Lately, I have been mulling over the question: How do you know when a person is right for you? What makes a partner the one?

    Anytime a couple that has been together for a long time tells the story of how they met, they can always pinpoint the moment in which they knew they found “the one.”

    It’s said, there is that moment of clarity, where you realize you would rather be with this person than anyone else in the world. However, there are also many small moments leading up to such an incredible epiphany.

    Keeping that in mind, I reached out to a few couples (friends, acquaintances and strangers) to share their answers to THE question. Their answers melted my heart, surprised and amused me…

    It felt inevitable. 

    “I knew he was special when our first date lasted five hours, and we had already planned our second date two days later. Fast forward four months later on one busy Friday evening, we were standing in line to pay for Costco’s taco kit. I was going to ask him a question, and he cut me off and asked, ” what do you want for dessert?”, to which I replied, “ice-cream,” He then said to answer your previous question, “No.” I looked at him, surprised and said, “What was that the answer to?”. To that, he replied, “No, I don’t want fries!” That’s when I knew he was the one!” Jasmeet

    Photography by Aspen & Ash Photography

    We always knew.

    We met when I was 15. And, had known each other for quite a few years. We had pretty much always crushed on each other till we finally got together when I was 19. We were still dating other people but always felt this pullback to each other when we were single.

     He always told me there were these little moments that confirmed in his mind I was the one. Four months in dating each other, we confessed we loved each other. However, I knew he was the one when I opened up to him about my sexual assault as a child six months into dating. 

    I was going to court against my abuser. I knew that if there was ever a moment that could break our relationship, this was it. But, he never hesitated. Instead, he showed his full love and support for me. I had a preliminary trial that lasted three days not long after I told him about it, which progressed into three more days of court and years of fighting for justice. He was there every day, every step of the way. He was the one he was home. And, seeing him accept and love me without hesitating despite the PTSD I faced, and the anxiety of it all told me he would love me forever. 

    He was the one. He proposed a year later. And have been married for six years. We haven’t looked back since. We’ve created a new life together.” Meghan

    We started off as friends.

    “We met at the most unexpected moment of my life. It was not love at first sight, nor did I get butterflies when we first met. He was actually my designated driver for the party we were going to that night. We did start to form a connection during the party, danced a bit, and even pecked a kiss. However, in my mind, it was all still friendly.

    I knew that this man could potentially be my lover because of how naturally everything came into play. I felt like we became really good friends right away, and then the intimacy later developed around our already evolved friendship.

    I knew Nacho was the guy for me when he started to bring me food every weekend or invited me to his place to eat because he knew I was too busy to cook for myself. As funny as it sounds, I saw his genuine care for me as a person, and I knew that if I want to go anywhere in life, having someone who supports me would be essential, and to see that so early on in our relationship was really comforting.

    We are closer than ever now, he is my best friend and lover in one. We motivate each other to achieve our goals and support one another along the way, I could not have asked for a better partner in this life journey.” Shabo

    He has always been the one.

    Paawan and I were classmates, and one day out of the blue, he just asked me out. I think we both were 13 years old then. We were not in love when we started going out, but gradually it turned into that.

    However, we broke up when we were 17. Not that we didn’t love each other. That, I was moving away to a boarding school in a different city. The long-distanc didn’t work. I was devastated after the breakup. Years passed, and, both of us had our separate lives. We moved on and dated other people.

     I knew he was the one when my other relationship ended. I was contemplating the kind of partner I wanted in my life. And all my answers led to him. 

    When I was at my lowest in life, he was there to pick me up. I remember a particular night when I was feeling the lowest I ever had in my life. That night, he stayed with me on call the entire night. After that night, I decided I wanted to give us another chance. We discussed it, and a few weeks later, he asked me out again, and I said yes, and there’s been no looking back since then!” Sidi

    I just knew she was my person.

    “My partner and I matched on Tinder. She charmed her way into my life and became a significant part of it very quickly. She is captivating, caring, adventurous, extremely beautiful, and we “get” each other. I can’t help but wonder, “how did I get so lucky?”

    This February, we went for a weekend getaway to Banff. And, one big thing about me is that I LOVE mountains. Being there with her, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I was mesmerized with her more than mountains, and I didn’t think that was ever possible. And, the most beautiful part of it all is that admitted to feeling precisely the same way. There’s no guessing, no games, just a mutual knowledge that this is it. It’s us from now on.” Charlotte

    These stories were simply beautiful. Talking to actual humans made the answer to a seemingly complex question so much more straightforward than google. I would love to open the floor for anyone that wants to share their stories.

    Are you currently in a relationship? How did you know your partner was the one? I would love to know.

    P.S.

    A super awesome dating tip.

     

    xx

    Yachna