Sidewalks

Tag: Dating

  • My Brother’s Awesome Dating Tip.

    My Brother’s Awesome Dating Tip.

    Last week, I talked about ghosting, so I figured I’d share my brother’s awesome dating tip this week. A few months ago, my brother said something that changed the way I approached dating-

    I had a crush on this guy, let’s call him Nate (smart, shy, cute smile). After having a crush on him for a few months, I decided to take it to the next level and initiated a casual coffee date.

    Fast forward, a few dates later, we were flirting over the text all the time. I would smile ear to ear, seeing Nate’s name pop up on my screen. However, not being too fond of texting, I decided one day to propose speaking over the phone. 

    That evening, I began analyzing my game plan: how I should phrase the question, what would sound confident without coming on too strong. “Be casual and playful” was the mantra I had in mind while I mulled over the little details for a half an hour before finally sending the text.

    So, I finally asked the question. Actually, I typed and deleted it several times until I built up the courage to finally say it. “Call me tonight- I wanna hear your voice.” 

    What evolved over the next two hours was the constant overanalyzing of the text in question. “this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have texted him at all,” I muttered to myself, glancing at the blank screen, eagerly waiting for his reply.

    Later that night, six hours and still no response later, I couldn’t stop wondering, “Was I asking for too much too soon?”, “did I sound needy”? yadi yada yada. All these questions were enough to make my mind explode. 

     Upon filling in my brother with the details of this situation, he casually replied,” “Here’s the thing with dating: they either like you or don’t.”

    It seems so silly and obvious. However, it was totally liberating. When we start a new relationship (or a friendship), we tend to sweat and over analyze every little detail. For instance, the timing of your text message, the way you say hello, what to wear for the date, what to say over a text message or on a date. After all, it’s either fuck yes or a simple no.

    Anytime I am dating someone, I find myself reflecting on every little detail when I should just be relaxing and enjoying it. The truth is, what I say in a text won’t change their feelings about me. 

    Once I started just being my weird self, I had so much more fun dating.  I chose not to sweat the details. I would order that burger instead of the salad, make those silly quirky jokes, and send a double text if I felt like it. As my brother said, if he liked me, he did (and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t). 

    As a single gal, I have FINALLY realized, “if it’s not a yes, it’s a no,” the pressure was off. No more mixed messages, no more interpreting phone calls, texts, emails. If it’s a “maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or any other variation, it’s a no. 

    This simple tip has freed me from overthinking and second-guessing every tiny detail.

    What do you think? What wise dating advice have you heard? And what’s your relationship status these days? Is anyone dating right now?

    P.S.

    Overanalyzing kills magic. Savour the present.

    xx

    Yachna 

    Featured Image: Pierrot Le Fou (1965)

  • Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

    Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

    If you aren’t familiar with ghosting, then SPOILER ALERT!!, this is no fun…

    Confusion hurt, and even anger circulated through my body. My face flushed with tones of bright red and pink. The voice in my head shouted out questions I did not have answers to “Am I not good enough,” “What did I do wrong?”. Two days had passed without any word from the man whose name popping up on my phone screen simply brought a smile to my face. Ghosted. He ghosted me!  

    Since wallowing in a tub of ice cream is only fun for an hour, here are six things I’ve learned, including some very sound advice from the people that are wiser than me. I hope this brings you comfort (if and when you need it).

    1) No Contact: 

    Trying to solve the mystery can result in unhealthy behaviours— sending a barrage of texts, creeping on the other person’s social media—that can get dark fast, explains Erika Martinez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Miami, Florida. So, no texting, calling or snooping through their social media. I find most of the time, “the best reaction is no reaction at all”.

    And, regarding that deep need for closure: “He doesn’t want to speak to you.” I would instantly remind this to myself, and all my urges to text him would go away. 

    2) Don’t Take It Personally:

    In conversation with one of my friends, who also happens to be a therapist, said, “He may be struggling with issues that have nothing to do with you.” He further added, “people with emotional immaturity and very bad social cues ghost people.” Yikes!!

    These words didn’t make me feel instantly better, but it did give me a fresh perspective. Ghosting says a lot more about (the person who ghosted you) than you.

    3) Connect With Yourself:

    …and suddenly things feel better. To stop obsessing every detail that led up to the event, I focus all my energy on my reading a book, journaling, or any activity that boosts my mind.

    For me, the best response to being rejected by anyone in life, is to ask myself, “how can I make this the best thing that ever happened to me?” and then do that. And, that’s how you make rejection empowering and inspiring.

    4) Boost-Up Your Self-Esteem 

    Getting ghosted can be a blow to a person’s self-esteem. Dressing up, doing my hair, painting my nails, wearing my best shoes and going out with my girlfriends does the trick for me. Just get out there and have a fantastic time!!

    4) Talk To Your Friends:

    My girlfriends are the therapists that I could never afford. On the phone playing over analyzing every little detail with my friend about this, she very casually replied, “In the grand scheme of life, this man is just ONE hot second.” And, I CANNOT tell you how amazing that felt to hear.

    So often situations seem worse than they really are. It’s great to be reminded to step back and look at the big picture. 

    5) Long Drives

    One of my favourite things to do is to go for long drives solo. Anytime I am low and need some downtime for myself, I get in my car turn on my music, and I just drive. I especially enjoy long rides with no destinations with my true few. Honestly, so special.

    6) Let It Go

    Being ghosted is like being told you are not even worth the effort to write a text. That alone was my reason to move on.

    For the first few days, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being disrespected and humiliated.”I am better than this!” I declared to no one in particular. For me, I have decided that I do not want to be with the type of person who would ghost me. “Don’t burn daylight chasing the wrong one. The right one won’t run.”

    Then one morning you wake up, the sun seems brighter. And, just like that, you look forward to never look back again.

    Have you ever been ghosted? If yes, tell us what happened. How did it make you feel? How did you handle the situation?

    P.S.

    You need to know that you are enough.

    xx

    Yachna

    Featured Image: Gossip Girl Top Image: Me by Meghan Diniz.