But sometimes, you’ve just got to *ahem* take care of yourself. Is this normal? Or maybe you’ve walked in on your lover doing the same thing. That can feel awkward at best and like a betrayal at worst.
But is it cause for concern?
That notion that you’re cheating on your lover by using your vibrator? A total myth.
We often interpret our lover’s solo self-pleasure routine to mean that we don’t satisfy them. And that means they must not be attracted to us anymore. Not true!!
In fact, the opposite is true.
The more you reinforce the benefits of self-pleasure as a couple and as individuals while continuing to communicate about your sex life, the better sex you’ll have. Working together to achieve billions of orgasms for everyone is part of the fun of sex in general, right?
If your or your partner feels insecure because of the other’s self-openly and honestly, this happens to the best of us; it’s best to talk it through. Reassure your lover that it has nothing to do with your feelings for your partner, or your sexual satisfaction. Remember, the journey to endless pleasure starts with open and honest communication.
Your partner does not like you indulging in self-pleasure without you. Have a conversation about it. Listen to them. It’s the unravelling of all these complex layers where we find hidden gems of intimacy and pleasure. The more you encourage the talk about your individual self-love practices in an open and honest way without judgment or shame, the better it will be for your relationship.
Self-pleasure isn’t cheating and being partnered up doesn’t constitute ownership anyhow. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, your body is your own. Why do you need someone’s permission to touch yourself? Claim your sexual agency. Take ownership of your body and its needs.
It simply comes down to a person doing what they want, and it’s an amazing way to love yourself and get in touch with your own energy. Self-pleasure with intention, and really feel yourself. Like with any self-care practice, if you focus on your creativity and positivity, you can use the powerful energy to help you through the day.
This post first appeared on The Pleasure Plus. Written by yours truly 🙂
One of the biggest reasons we fail to get there is we get into our head- the clitoral system takes 20-40 min to engorge. That’s right we get hard too! That amount of time can feel like a burden- stress- and lots of other thoughts can drift in. Get comfortable with knowing it takes time. Remember your lover would not be there if that’s not something they enjoyed.
Take off the pressure- you can always go from down there to kissing or fingering or eye gazing to play with multi- sensations.
Releasing Shame of “it is taking too long” because this isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach.
2) Trusting your partner is essential
The vulva is an incredibly intimate part of your body, so you must feel safe with your lover, even in casual situations. Let go of your inhibitions and focusing on what feels good to you can bring you unforgettable pleasure. The best oral sex is the one for which you are completely present. To be in someone’s mouth, to let them pleasure you, and to be completely present at that moment is simultaneously empowering and vulnerable, and it simply cannot be done without communication and mutual trust.
3) Try different positions
Experiment with face-sitting. Get on top and ride the face of your partner. Doing so will allow you to take control and guide the direction of your partner’s lips and tongue at the angle you need for maximum stimulation.
4) Listen to your partner’s unique body
We vulva owners are all different so having a partner that pays attention to your body’s energy is essential. Figuring out what works for your lover is so essential. If you think oral sex is a one-tongue-fits-all situation, then you’ll be disappointed (so will your lover).
5) Stimulate other erogenous zones simultaneously
Going straight to licking or touching the clitoris can be overwhelming for many. Instead, try kissing and nibbling the thighs. Rub/play with the nipples as you go down on them. Try massaging the mons with your palm before oral sex. Run your tongue lightly along the labia. Right before you move in for the clitoris—it will light up nerve endings like fireworks!
6) Treat your legs to something sensual
If you have a favourite oil, lotion, or spray, you might be able to use its aromatic appeal to slip into a more erotic state of mind and body. Bonus points if your partner loves it, too. Use your lover’s favourite scented lotion that you wear, and slather some on your inner thighs.
7) Give your lover directions
Tell your lover what you really, really want. Or, if words fail you now, you can gently touch your partner’s head and gently pull them in when it feels good.
8) The Clitoris
After building your lover to all that amazing oral sex action, the clitoris is a great place to focus attention. Some love gentle licks and slow sucking on the clit. The aftermath? A surprisingly powerful orgasm.
9) After care
Cupping the vulva can feel safe- grounding and deeply connecting- simply hold your hands over your lovers over your entire vulva, feel the embrace and stay there.
Alternatively – this could be the starting place for even more playtime- at this point you have juices flowing – this can be the perfect primer for penetration.
This post was written in collaboration with ThePleasurePlus.
Eating clean and healthy allows the body to perform better on all levels, including sex. Eating food that nourishes our body on a consistent basis literally gives you energy, puts you in a vibrant mood, and boosts sexual performance and pleasure. I’ve always been keen on the idea of foods that boost your libido becauseyou can eat them to elevate your sex life without having to worry about any weird side effects associated with sex-enhancement drugs. Plus, eating right and taking care of your body will just help you feel comfortable in your own skin which means more confidence and pleasure in the bedroom.
Today, Simone Farschi, a sex and intimacy coach recommends incorporating these nine powerful foods into your diet for a mind-blowing climax. Here goes-
1) Greens
Leafy green veggies facilitate the production of the female hormone estrogen. They are also loaded with zinc, which is known for its libido and sperm production qualities in men.
2) Seeds
Seeds such as flaxseeds, pumpkin seeds, soybeans, chickpeas, and sunflower seeds etc. are again friends of sexual hormones. These seeds are rich in Omega 3 fatty acids, a drop in which affects hormone levels leading to a plummeting sex drive. Pumpkin seeds are also rich in zinc which is a mineral needed to produce testosterone.
3) Seafood
Be it fish or raw oysters, they contain the wonder sex drug in them! It’s also found to boost the hormone dopamine that lights up the brain’s pleasure system. ⠀⠀
4) Nuts
All kinds of nuts provide one with energy that’s directly proportional to your stamina while having sex.
5) Fruits
All fruits, especially those rich in vitamin C such as pineapples, papayas and strawberries can be vital in sexual gratifications. The body needs vitamin C to keep the sexual organs fine-tuned. Vitamin C increases the number and quality of sperm produced. Not to mention, it makes you taste better 😉
Fruits such as Bananas are ideal to give you endurance in the bedroom as they are a rich source of vitamin B that converts carbohydrates into energy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
6) Spices
The right kind of spices not only spice up your palette but also your bedroom. “Chilli pepper, red chillies and ginger perk up blood circulation. ⠀⠀⠀
7) Dark Chocolate
A natural libido booster! Chocolate contains a chemical called phenethylamine that triggers feelings of relaxation, intoxication, and pleasure. releases mood-boosting, stress-reducing serotonin and stimulates physical contact desires and lowers inhibitions.
8) Olive Oil
Orgasm worries in women find an answer in olive oil, which triggers the production of the testosterone hormone.
9) Garlic
A wonder sex booster, regular consumption of garlic in food can bring a marked difference in your sexual prowess.
The other day I did something incredible that I had never come across before. It’s called Yoni (Vaginal) Steaming. Maybe you have heard of it. Perhaps you haven’t. Yoni is the Sanskrit word for the vagina that translates to “a sacred space.” Beautiful. Isn’t it?
During the two hours of doing my first Yoni Steaming together (virtually) with Simone, I learnt about the art of deeply caring for your body, your womb space, and that beautiful yoni of yours. It reminded me how essential it was to take the time to sit and cultivate a deeper connection to your feminine wisdom. It was an experience that I didn’t know was so desperately needed in my life.
Between menstruation, sexual intercourse, and childbirth, the vagina withstands a lot. When you add changing hormones and pelvic floor issues to the mix, sometimes the vaginal area is anything but comfortable. That’s why the ancient practice of yoni steaming is coming back.
Below, learn all about this beautiful spiritual ritual to connect deeply with your yoni. Remember, yoni care is self-care.
What is Yoni Steaming?
Yoni steams are a holistic health practice where a woman straddles (sits) over steaming water with a combination of herbs (basically, a warm cup of herbal tea).
The warmth of the steam softens and opens the pores of the vaginal and vulvar skin. You sit and receive the warmth of the herbal healing steam. Then, the herbs absorb into the skin and uterus, leaving your yoni and you relaxed and rejuvenated from inside out.
Stay with me, as we’ll be going over all the juicy details to safely practise this ritual in the comfort of your house.
Remember: You never want to steam while you are bleeding. It’s to be done 3 days before your cycle or 3 days after your cycle ends. Or once every week.
Herb Blends:
You can incorporate so many healing herbs in your Yoni Steaming practice, make it your own, and get witchy. The process of creating your own blend in itself is a very soothing ritual and can be a way to step into your sensuality. Incorporating herbs in my yoni steams is one of my favourite things about the ritual, and it really gets me deep into my body. ⠀⠀
Simone recommended a few of the following healing herbs that I used for my Yoni Steaming-
1) Lavender
You can use the tea bags too! It’s a disinfecting herb. In case you have dampness that causes UTI. It will help clear and dry out the dampness in the uterus. Plus, it’s aromatherapy, and part of the ritual is aromatherapy.
2)Rose Petals
Rose petals are cleansing herb by the Chinese medicine standard. They are blood movers; they will create a movement of blood in the body. This is for somebody who cramps a lot. It’s not suitable for someone who spots/bleeds a lot.
3) Nettle
Also known as birth and kidney tonic. It helps hydrate the body and brings a lot of moisture. It’s a high nutrient and rich in Vitamin B and Iron. As we steam with nettles, it replenishes our bodies with these properties.
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Directions For Yoni Steaming At Home
Tried and tested by Simone at her sex workshops, here are the directions to safely practise yoni steaming at home:
1) In a medium-sized pot, pour roughly about 8-10 cups of water.
2) Boil water in a steam pot soaking your herbs in it. Do not add or use any essential oils, as they are too strong and may burn sensitive genital tissue.
3) Bring the water to a boil for about 5 minutes.
4) Then, turn off the heat and let the herbs steep for another 5 minutes with the lid on.
5) Now, it’s essential to test the temperature of the steam before using it. If it’s too hot, let it sit for 15 seconds and re-test it. Only go ahead if you feel comfortable with the temperature of the steam.
6) Pour the water into a pot, and cover the pot with a towel.
7) Remove your underwear and straddle above the steaming pot.
8) Wrap a large blanket or a wrapping around your waist, making sure no steam escapes.
9) You should feel comforting warm heat for about 15 minutes before the steam dies down.
During The Steam- You sit and receive the moist warmth of the healing steam. It enters your body directly through your yoni and penetrates to your uterus, pelvis, and even up through a deep central channel connecting to your heart so you can feel better in your body and your life.⠀
After the steam – “we gift the sacred waters back to a plant or tree to offer out prayers, release our stagnation and gift seeds for growth.”
Please note: don’t steam for longer than 15 minutes if you have an IUD.
What To Expect After The Steaming Ritual?
After a V steam, some may notice more moisture immediately or shortly after steam. This is due to the radiant warmth of the far-infrared heat, which penetrates deeply into the muscles and tissues of the vagina, and increases oxygen flow and circulation to remove impurities and harmful toxins such as cholesterol and heavy metals-much like with a standard sauna treatment.
The warmth of the steam softens and opens the pores of the vaginal and vulvar skin. You sit and receive the warmth of the herbal healing steam. Then, the herbs absorb into the skin and uterus, leaving your yoni and you relaxed and rejuvenated from inside out.
Benefits
During my session with Simone, she took the time to walk me through a wide range of benefits that Yoni Steaming gives to your body. Here are a few of them:
1) Helps heal bad cramps/PMS:
The stream flows into the Vaginal Canal, helping soften and release any stagnation and regulating the uterine lining, therefore relieving camps.
2) Helps decrease chances of vaginal infections:
Infections are a result of left residue from sex, menstrual cycles and stagnation. When the lining is not completely cleared in our cycles, it is like a leftover residue, worsening when we stress the body.
Steaming helps clean and clear the uterus of any bacteria or dormant dampness that creates a home for these bacteria.
3) Helps with remedying painful intercourse:
Think of steaming like foreplay; women need 20-40 min to become completely aroused-meaning for our erectile tissue to engorge and thus produce the lubrication and padding around our vaginal canal for repetitive penetration.
4) Connect to your wisdom and feminity:
When we spend time intimately in our womb and genitals, we get to know our body, patterns, discomfort, and messages.
These traditions have been lost to us in the western world. As you steam, you will gain more insight into your body and what you need.
5) Promotes restful sleep.
6) Assists in creating regular cycles.
7) Decreases chance of cysts, fibroids, and endometriosis.
Finally, sharing this beautiful message from Simone.
” Steaming is a tool that can help release heavy emotions out of the body. When we have a safe space in our own home on our own time to connect and release the damage, pain, memories stored in our body, we can heal. I know this from personally healing the effects of a toxic relationship. When we are with people that dim our light, that have intentions of hurting rather than loving us, and we let them, our energy changes, our self-worth changes. We are incapacitated on many major energetic levels. We frankly don’t want to be sexual or fall into patterns of wanting it from unhealthy partners. That is why Sex healing check-in and tune-ups are essential!⠀⠀⠀
Thank you, Simone. You can follow her online community, Pleasure Plus for all the juicy and sensual tips.
Take time this weekend to sit and connect with yourself. Remember, yoni care is self-care!
