Sidewalks

Tag: relationships

  • 10 Life Lessons I Learnt in My 20s

    10 Life Lessons I Learnt in My 20s

     

    When I turned 20, an older friend told me it was my time to explore. I had ten years to learn, grow, experiment, and push my limits. 

    In a few months, I turn 30. In the last ten years, I’ve travelled the world, quit my job, dated all the wrong ones, cried my heart out, suffered many losses, and created a career as a writer — something I could’ve never imagined. 

     It’s easy to forget that most of these changes didn’t happen overnight. We rarely ever wake up one day and suddenly notice these wild, life-altering changes in ourselves. 

    My 20s were a wild rollercoaster ride. Here are some ten life lessons I’ve learned:

     

    1) Without rain, nothing grows

    It’s inevitable to meet unexpected situations in life. Life rarely goes as planned. Even if you bring an umbrella, you’ll end up getting wet. So, dance in the rain. Embrace the storms of your life. 

    Remember, rejection is redirection. Keep moving forward and creating new doors. Preach your success from mountain tops. Because with hard work, determination and passion, the sky is the limit. 

     

    2) No one truly cares about you 

    I spent my early 20s chasing the people who didn’t care about me and giving no time to those who loved me the most- my family. Why do we ignore the people who care about us and care about those who ignore us?

     Most people do not care about you. As harsh as it may sound, it’s the truth. I learned this after my dad passed away. It doesn’t have to be sad but liberating, so we too can stop obsessing about what other people think.

     

    3) Be your hero

     Nobody is coming to save you. No one is coming to pay your bills, get you a better job, or fix your health. Wake up. Take responsibility for everything in your life. Be your hero. That’s where you start.

     

    4) Do it alone. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it scared. Just do it!

    Six months ago, I quit my corporate job to pursue writing. The decision wasn’t an easy one. The only value that dreadful job provided me was financial comfort and safety. Now, I wake up excited and don’t dread Mondays. That, to me, is success. 

    One day, we are all going to die. Life is too short to be working jobs we hate. While your legs are strong and your mind is clear, it’s never too late to follow your interests, curiosities, and passions.

    Start a blog. Write a book. Share your voice with the world. Use your imagination to bring fresh and exciting things to the world. Do not leave it to others to choose your destiny. Make a plan, and work toward it. Take little steps every day, consistently. Never give up on your dreams, even if the whole world turns its back on you. 

     

    5) You’re going to be lonely

    When I look back at myself in my 20s, what I remember the most is being alone and lonely. Rarely, if ever, does anyone ask you, “how was your day?”

    You are no longer coming home to home-cooked meals. I wasn’t even coming home to anyone. I remember the frequent nights I cried in my room alone, staring at the depressing brown wall wishing I wasn’t feeling the way I was.

     Those lonely cold nights taught me to be strong alone. It made me wise, mature and fearless. 

     

    6) Most friendships don’t last

    Most friendships don’t last forever. There will come a time when you’ll naturally drift away from all your friends. You grow and evolve. You’ve moved on with your life, and so have your friends. It’s not their fault or that they are bad people. It’s just life. 

     

    7) You are going to feel lost

    For the longest time, I had my whole life figured out. In the last six months after quitting my job, I travelled. I met people who inspired me. I spent time reading and learning new things. 

    Of course, there were many days when I felt lost, not knowing what step to take next. But, not for a second did I regret having taken time off from my life in Canada to enhance my writing further. 

    This time to do nothing was essential for the journey I am embarking on. Have I achieved all that I wanted to do by taking this gap? No. Not even close. 

    None of this would have happened if I didn’t feel lost. We need to feel lost…to know there is a path to take…we learn in the dark..then bring in the light.

     

    8) Travel alone

    A few years ago, I wanted to go to Costa Rica. I asked all my friends. None of them could make it. So, I decided to go alone. I ended up staying in a beautiful villa deep inside a rainforest, sharing the space with other 20s-something travellers from Europe. It was so exciting to meet people from different cultures and live together under one roof. It was one of the best trips of my life. 

    Book that flight. Explore your favourite city. Don’t deny yourself the most memorable life experiences, even if everyone else says no. 

     

    9) Love yourself first

    No one will love you if you don’t love yourself first. It’s healthy to spend time alone. Take yourself out on dates. Schedule some alone time as much as possible because that’s the only way to get to know yourself on a deeper level. 

    Listen to happy/nostalgic songs, watch a funny film, make something, or take a walk. In other words, don’t wait for someone else to offer you the love you want and deserve. Start being intentional about how you love yourself. It makes all the difference.

     

    10) Honor yourself

    Listen to your mind, body and soul. Give it what it needs. Do the things that make your body feel good. Take your time moisturizing your skin every morning. Run. 30 mins a day. Stretch it out. Meditate. Here’s an app for meditation that’s been a game changer for me. 

     

    How old are you now? What life lessons have you learnt in your 20s? What advice would you give to your younger self? I’d love to hear in the comments below. 

     

    xx

     

    Yachna



  • 8 Psychologist-Backed Ways To Move On After A Break Up

    8 Psychologist-Backed Ways To Move On After A Break Up

    When I was 22, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years of dating. One summer afternoon after our lunch date, he abruptly ended the relationship. No fights. No arguments. “We can’t be together anymore.” It was as simple and as complicated as that. 

    My heart was shattered. I had convinced myself that I would never be happy again. How could I ever love someone else again? His sense of humour, his love and affection for me, the way he’d do silly things to make me laugh. 

    That day I learnt that the easiest thing that can change in the world is a person’s heart. 

    First, there’s a denial period. Then, those jolting 2 am reminders leave a lingering pain. Those long sleepless nights where you are struggling with the what-ifs. 

    “You are better off without him” your friends comfort you, but you don’t feel better off. You stalk his social media ten times a day because self-destruction is now your middle name. 

    Heartbreak hurts, even when it’s the best thing, even when we know it’s right, and even when we aren’t sure.

    Since wallowing and eating nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza is only fun for an hour. Here are eight things I have learnt, including thoughtful words from people wiser than me. I hope they bring you comfort too-

    1) Listen to the beat of your heart

    Your friends know you the best. Lean on them. Some friends might suggest you swear off dating altogether, while the others might set you up with a rebound situationship. Only you know what feels right for you. Follow your heart and your intuition because they guide you towards the light. 

     

    2) It’s okay to not be okay

    Nothing compares to the sadness and emptiness you feel when going through a broken heart. Nobody knows how many pieces you have to put back together or how many nights you spend wondering what went wrong. 

    Not only are you mourning the loss of love and partner but also the life that you had planned together. These feelings don’t disappear overnight. In the words of Lao Tzu, “nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished.” So, let the pain consume you…and then heal you. 

    3) Nurture your body

    Your body is a temple. Worship it. You feel the grief of the heartbreak in your body. It was an incredible way of getting over the breakup. Working out releases the same chemicals you do when you are in love.

    4) Connect with something bigger

    Go out for a long walk in nature. Release your emotions in your journal, practise daily meditation, read a book, join a yoga group or take up gardening. Connect with something bigger than yourself…and suddenly everything seems small. The goal is to take up anything that makes you feel rejuvenated and grounded. Doing this creates space for new, fresh, beautiful things again.

    5) Give yourself a break 

     The painful memories of anger, resentment, guilt, and shame will hit you like a whirlwind. Forgive yourself and your partner for all the things that went wrong. You learned a lot from each other. Value your time together and let it go. Even though it’s over, it hadn’t been a waste. Every day is a gift, so make a decision … to no longer fill moments of your life with unproductive emotions that drain your energy. 

    6) Take yourself out on dates

    Convince yourself to spend alone time with yourself. Go for a solo road trip with no destination. Explore a new city. There’s something arriving in a stranger city wandering empty streets with no destination.  Do whatever it is that sparks your soul. And, do it by yourself. This time that you spend recreating yourself will be the most challenging and most rewarding time of your life. 

    7) Remember: you are not alone

    Countless people are going through the pain of heartbreaks. A few of my friends who were familiar with the woes of a breakup shared their worst breakup stories with me. And then, I discovered an interesting love column called Modern Love, where there’s an essay on all kinds of heartbreak situations. I felt less lonely in my heartbreak, knowing that countless people have gone through devastating breakups, nasty divorces, and betrayals.

    8) You’ll be happy again.

    When you’re heartbroken, it’s hard to imagine ever feeling differently. But, one day, the sun will shine again, warming up your heart. And, you will realize that you are much stronger and more beautiful as a result of this breakup.

    Sharing this beautiful quote by Nayyirah Waheed – 

    “Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

     

    What advice would you add? Have you gone through a breakup recently? Are you going through one right now? If so, I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending you the biggest hugs!!! It’s the worst!! I promise you’ll get through this. 

    xo

    (Pic Credits from top to bottom: Meghan Diniz, 90scigarettes, & livingwildmoments. )

  • 10 Surprising Reasons You Fear Intimacy

    10 Surprising Reasons You Fear Intimacy

    Isn’t finding love and happiness considered the pinnacles of life goals?

     Endless research suggests that the key to happiness is in the quality of your relationships. We spend years to find where our hearts belong. 

    When we finally get the answer, sometimes we can’t help but run away in fear. 

    “It’s good to be true,” we tell ourselves; the self-destruction begins. 

    Painful memories, messy breakups, and unhappy childhood memories lead us to push away those we love the most often without meaning to. 

    Having a fear of intimacy and letting someone is entirely normal, especially if you’ve had several failed relationships or have emotionally distant parents. 

    We spend so much time in indecision. Contrary to what we have been fed all our lives, opening yourself to someone and being vulnerable is not for the faintest of hearts.

    With that being said, here are 10 surprising signs that you might be suffering from a fear of intimacy.

    1) Abandonment Terrifies You

    Fear of intimacy stems from the unresolved fear of abandonment. Those who grew up with emotionally distant parents then you’re most likely to develop this fear. You create a positive view of yourself but a negative view of others. You think to yourself, “the only person I can truly count on is myself.” You feel it’s always better to leave first before someone leaves you behind, again. It’s easier to not let people in because then it won’t hurt when they leave. You struggle with long-term romantic commitment and, in some cases, even friendships. 

    2) You’ve Never Been in a Relationship

     …and it’s terrifying. If you’ve never been in a relationship, the idea of sharing deep personal intimacy and vulnerability can seem overwhelming and scary to the point where you feel like it’s better to stay single than to have any lover’s woes. 

    3) You Are Fiercely Independent

    Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being independent. After all, who doesn’t want to be self-sufficient, knowledgeable, and competent? But, you should also know when to ask for help. Being too independent, you take pride in never needing anything from anyone. In many ways, it makes you feel in control of your life and helps you keep an emotional distance from people. You never allow yourself to depend on anyone or need them. Your independence gives you the freedom of keeping everyone at arm’s length. 

    4) You always fall for the wrong one

    Do you have a history of falling in love with the wrong people? Do you find yourself attracted to emotionally distant and unavailable people? Maybe abusive, unfaithful, and rude too? Picking partners that are not healthy can be seen as a sign of fear of intimacy because it allows you to not get too close to a person. You may find dark, damaged, and aloof people more appealing because you don’t have to worry about a stable and secure relationship with them. You also turn away people that offer security and stability. 

    5)  You feel you ‘should’ be dating

    You feel pressured because of the assumption you ‘should’ be dating at this point because you’re in your late 20s or even 30s. You’re just a happily single person. You find yourself fearing and running away from relationships. Know that it’s completely normal, and you’re not alone in feeling this. 

    6) You tend to be flaky 

    Being flaky means committing to do things but rarely following through with them. When people get close to you, your instinct is to push people away. Have you ever shared something personal and intimate about yourself with a person and then ghosted them? Having an honest and emotional conversation with someone scares you. So, you try to keep your distance by not getting too close to them. When someone comes too close to you, you can’t help but run away in the opposite direction. 

    7) You’re a perfectionist 

    If you’re a perfectionist, then chances are you have a tough time letting others see the flaws in you. You’re afraid you might be rejected because of them, or maybe you are too scared to even admit to yourself that you have any flaws in the first place. You tend to intimidate people by always putting up a perfect front. People may even find it hard to match up to your level. Keeping up with the show helps nobody here. Remember to be open and vulnerable with people you care about. Choose to trust them enough to see and accept your flaws. 

    Have you heard of the Japanese concept of ” wabi-sabi”? It is about loving what’s flawed, asymmetric, and often broken. It’s a view or thought of finding beauty in every aspect of imperfection in nature. It is to come over our tendency to have superiority and inferiority complexes. By this, I mean that this “self” you will love is an imperfect entity constantly changing. 

    8) The Ghost of your past relationships

    Has this ever happened to you: you’ve had many different healthy intimate relationships, and none of them ever works out? You find yourself giving hope that you’ll ever find someone. With each breakup, your faith gets dimmer in finding your “the one.” 

    9) You are a workaholic

    When you’re practically married to your job, it leaves no room for any serious relationship whatsoever. Or, you focus on work too much because it helps you divert your attention from having to confront your personal issues. Your career has become an excuse to not form any healthy, long-lasting relationships. People afraid of intimacy find it easier to pour all their energy into work to avoid committing to something serious. If you are a workaholic, then ask yourself: is this the reason why?

    10) You sabotage your relationships

    It goes without saying that if you fear intimacy, then you sabotage your relationships. This self-destructive behaviour only robs you of the opportunity to have a happy and healthy relationship. You may be doing this unknowingly by not expressing your feelings to others. Or you deliberately doing things you know could upset or hurt the people you love. Did you know that research shows that people who cheat on their partners have a deep fear of intimacy?

    By the time we recognize these patterns in ourselves, we are already set in our ways. Healing from our emotional baggage is a long process. It can take years to fully let go of things that weigh us down. However, it doesn’t always have to be this way. With diligence, support, and awareness, you got this. The journey of thousand miles begins by simply taking the first step. The first step here is simply noticing the signs. 

    Did you find yourself nodding along to any of these signs? Now that you recognize these signs in you, are you finally ready to overcome this damaging fear of intimacy? Did you have anything else to add? Let us know in the comments below. Do not forget to send this to anyone who can benefit from this.

     

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    How do you know it’s time to walk away from that draining relationship?

    (Featured Image Veryrealfasntasy)

  • My Heart Memories.

    My Heart Memories.

    A few weeks ago, I asked my readers on Instagram to share their precious stories of love in less than 100 words inspired by The New York Times Column, Tiny Love Stories. To my surprise, several readers reached out and shared their lovely and delightful stories of love with me. Treat yourself to these short and sweet stories- one at a time.

    “When thinking of a love story I’d like to share, I can’t help but immediately think of one. It was one that didn’t even work out but, it was so magical and special that it’s the one that makes me smile. Our first date was terrible, so awkward and uncomfortable at the end. I remember walking away thinking I would never go on another date with someone like that, ever again. I felt so bad inside. When I got home, I noticed he had texted. He said how sorry he was and how hard he was trying to think of something to say or do but was completely blank. We didn’t meet up again for months but when we did, it was so fun and so special and there was a connection. A connection. When his face touched my face, a connection. Away we went on the stupidity that was this relationship, up and down, off and on, to the end when it was done. It didn’t work, but when I feel it when I think it when I see it in my mind, I smile and its magic still warms my heart.” – Irene

    “Our newest youth was a 14-year-old boy from Kugluktuk. We made endless paintings, and I let him cover my eyebrows with concealer. If we weren’t baking, we were dancing or playing hide and scare. I braided his hair almost every day until he was moved to another group home in Ontario. I went to a psychic a few years later who told me a boy thought about me a lot. I messaged him on Facebook, and now we talk at least 3 times a week.” –Janelle

    “If you’d asked me what I came to do in this world, I’d say: I am born to create art. It all started with playing with clay as a child, which was just the beginning of exploring this magical world. There’s no specific moment or day I can pinpoint and say this is the day I fell in love with art. A nostalgic memory on my canvas or a cute dragon tattoo on an ankle, or my bestie’s face sculpture, I have felt the euphoric soul of life in my art. I remember this one time, I made art from all the candy in my fridge. It’s like reading poetry for people that love to read. That’s the best way I can explain it. My most hilarious, deeply personal, moving, unspoken word, unexplainable feeling manifests itself into the art I create. I live in my beautiful dream world and make art of it.” – Diksha

    “The words ‘Love’ and ‘food’ are often used together. Evolutionarily and biologically speaking, we only eat when we feel a sense of safety. We won’t find a gazelle grazing the grasslands if it is aware of the lion’s presence. When we find ourselves stressed, we may notice either the absence or insatiability of our own hunger. ‘Food’ and ‘love’ are absolutely intertwined. 

    Our love affair with food is so intense that it is present in most of the highly impactful and greatest moments of our lives—i.e. first dates, romantic dinners, marriages, sexual moments, birthdays, funerals etc. 

    It would be hard to clearly define our’ love affair’ with food without realizing that ‘people don’t dine with an enemy.’ We dine with our friends, our families, to make deals, and to enjoy the process of connecting over food. Food is a symbol of safety, a symbol of comfort and a symbol of life itself.” – Kartik

    “I didn’t always see my story as a LOVE story. It wasn’t until one recent late-night cruise that I realized that how much of an ungrateful turd I was not to see the love and support around me.

    It has been extremely difficult for me transitioning from 2020. I fell back into unhealthy patterns and relapsed. However, I was no longer alone. I didn’t make the situation worse by reaching for a bottle as the solution. Instead, I relied on the immense amount of support coming from my friends.

    I am definitely dramatic about this, but here it is:

    I was like Captain America, standing alone, tired and discouraged, facing the impossible task of battling Thanos on my own. It’s then when my friends emerged behind me, taking on Thanos by my side. It never occurred to me that there are so many of them. They showed their love by not allowing me to go under. They love me too much to let me self-sabotage.

    I am so grateful for each one of them! Romantic love is not the only love worth celebrating. Look around; there is love that accepts us at our worst. It’s easy to overlook yet fundamental to us. Anyways, to conclude my love story, we killed Thanos! Peace and Love.” – Magda

    Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories.

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    How do you know your partner is the one? A beautiful love story (so good!!), What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever read?

    (Featured Image by Sofia Shafaat & le.magliette.di.rachele)

  • 14 Questions To Ask Your Crush.

    14 Questions To Ask Your Crush.

    Does your mind draw a blank when you’re talking to your crush?

    So many thoughts rush to your head when you’re talking to your crush, one of the frequent ones being, “oh no, what do I say?”

    Getting to know your crush can be an exciting and nerve-wracking feeling all at the same time. Sometimes, you may find yourself in awkward silence, not knowing what to say (no, thank you).

    We, as humans, deeply desire emotional intimacy, which is why I have put together 14 questions to ask your crush. Grab some wine and cozy into these nostalgic conversations to connect with your crush on a deeper level. 

    HOT TIP:  If your conversation takes a turn, and you aren’t sure where it’s headed, just listen. You always look like a great communicator when you listen.

    1) Who is the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else?

    It could be one of their family members, childhood friends, co-workers, or maybe even their hairstylists. Their answers could reveal the depth of their relationship with others and the kind of relationships they seek with others. 

    2) Where is your favourite place? 

    Everyone has a special place, a place where they go to disconnect from reality, clear their mind and connect with their deeper self; it could be their grand ma’s house where they spent their summers or only a place where they feel relaxed, or that special place perhaps is their dream city or a vacation spot.  

    3) If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

    Maybe your crush has always wanted to learn a musical instrument or a language? Upon asking this question to a friend, she immediately replied, ” I wish I had skipped school more often. I could have missed a day and still learned what I needed to.”

    Get creative with this one 🙂

    4) Complete the sentence: I wish I had someone with whom I can share… 

    Let yourself be surprised with this one! Maybe your crush is a foodie and wants to explore their love for food with someone. Or, they love dancing in front of the mirror and wished they had someone to share their goofy side with.

    5)  Share a positive characteristic you consider about your crush. 

    Tell them what you admire and respect about them. Giving compliments and being vocal about them deepens the bond between any two people almost instantly. Maybe you like that they are always on time, keep their word, or they make you laugh. Use this as an opportunity to compliment the things you like about them.

    6) What’s the song you listen to on repeat? (<333333)

    Listening to someone’s favourite song, it’s like mentally holding their hand. There is not a deeper intimacy than listening to your favourite music together.

    7) For what in life do you feel most grateful?

    Gratitude is an emotion that makes a person feel happier. Tap into the simplistic beautiful things of life by unlocking the magic in this question.

    8) Do you have a favourite book? A line in a piece of literature? A poem? Why is it special to you?

    My favourite!!

    Maybe it’s a book that remained with them ever since they read it or a story that influenced their life somehow, or perhaps they love to read travel books to learn about different people and cultures around the world. Di

    9) If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner ( dead or alive) who’d it be? 

    What a fun question! Your crush could name their favourite celebrity, a god, or it could be something more personal like a deceased loved one they wished to spend more time with.

    10) If you could take one day off to do anything you want, how would you spend the day? 

    I once asked my friend this question curious to know how’d she spend her perfect day. Her response was so profound, “I would not like to do, I would just like to be. To have a planless day, to live in the moment, to enjoy the company of my loved ones unrushed, to stop and smell the flowers.”

    Her response was of the most beautiful perspectives on the question.

    11) What is the most beautiful thing in the world? 

    We are all so different from each other and it’s these differences that makes us so beautiful and unique. Asking someone what’s the most beautiful thing in the world invites you into your crush’s world perspective. 

    12) What would you consider to be your deepest fear? 

    We cannot know a person’s life and its challenges at a glimpse. We all carry our own deep fears and insecurities within us. Through this question, it opens up space for being vulnerable, leading to a more meaningful conversation. 

    13) If you died tomorrow, what would you wish you had done?

    This question opens up a person’s deepest desires. Not always are we vocal about our dreams in fear of it being silly, made fun of or even leaving it for tomorrow. Life can be so unexpected. If we are brave enough to follow our heart, it leads us to a beautiful destination. This question could spark a little fire in both of you to carpe diem!!

    14) What scene in a movie has evoked the most feelings out of you?

    We all have a movie that has moved us, inspired and sparked an emotion in some way or other. It could be a character, story, theme or a mood. Watching that movie can make them slip into their little world. Discussing themes, plots and story of your movies will add on to the fun and depth of the conversation.

    Have you ever thought of asking any of these questions to your crush? Do you have any questions that you’d like to add? Let me know in the comments below 🙂

    Sending the biggest hugs your way 🙂

    P.S.

    An awesome dating tip 🙂

    xx

    Yachna

    (Picture Credits in the order they appear: Featured Image in.a.relationship.with.freedom, wildchldd, Paris photo by Anthony Delanoix, viintageheart, vintageefeeling, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button).

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  • How to Spot A Toxic Friend in Your Life?

    How to Spot A Toxic Friend in Your Life?

    By very popular demand (by mostly my friend, Magda), today I talk about: how to spot a toxic friend in your life?

    Let’s Face It: Not all friendships are good and healthy ones. Some friends are toxic and can be difficult to spot. Unhealthy friendships are only entertaining on Gossip Girl. In real life, they are just no Bueno and can be one of the biggest ways you can destroy your joy, self-worth and confidence.

    It’s easy to miss signs of a toxic friendship as it is happening because they are combined with affectionate and caring gestures. We don’t hear or learn too much about it.

    I’ve experienced my fair share of toxic friends, and hell, I’ve probably been a toxic friend myself.

    Let’s talk about this objectively, as this is such a common problem no matter how old you are. Here goes, some significant signs on how to spot a toxic friend in your life. Use this as a guide to NOT be a toxic one yourself.

    1) They downplay your accomplishments: 

    Imagine telling your friend about your goals and accomplishments, and they don’t say anything at all or get quiet. That’s a MAJOR  red flag.

    One evening, over dinner with one of my closest “friends,” I remember (very excitedly) expressing with her my future dreams and goals. To which she replied, “I feel like you are confused in life. You need to stick to one thing.” I cannot describe the pain I felt hearing that from a friend. If they aren’t celebrating your success, they are NOT your friend.

    IMPORTANT: People will show you who they are if you pay attention. 

    2) They always smother you:

    Have you ever had a friend that makes you feel guilty for setting up boundaries or speaking up for yourself? 

    This friend expects you to put everything aside and meet their needs. Some friends can be toxic in a way where they cross all the boundaries you have set for yourself. This friend wants to spend all their free time together. They are highly dependent on you emotionally. They will vent all their problems with you, completely disregarding if you have the mental and emotional space. 

    3) Putting You Down Constantly:

    Let me start by saying this; a friend will never put you down. Only a frenemy will. Remember that.  

    My “friend” would reveal the personal things I would tell her in confidence. She would “jokingly” put me down in front of others. Her words were shrouded in “being funny or light-hearted.”

    Knowing that it bothered me, she was unwilling to apologize. Every. Single. Time. Over time, these not-so-little things took up big space in the friendship, and I walked away from it.

    4) They are passive-aggressive, silent treatment always:  

    You: “Is Everything Okay?”

    Friend: “Yes.”

    You: “It seems like you’re mad at me?”

    Friend: “No. I’M NOT.”

    There is a lack of clear and open communication. Having experienced this, I can confirm this is mentally and emotionally taxing. 

    5) You constantly question your friendship but always find excuses to stay:

    Have you ever been in a situation where something doesn’t feel quite right about a friend? You don’t know what it is.

    For several years, I went back and forth about wanting to end a long term friendship with a friend (let’s call her) Andrea. I couldn’t shake the feeling within me, telling me to distance myself from her.

    There were subtle signs that I chose to ignore. “Andrea has always been there for me,” I would think out loud and shut down all the doubts that crept in.

    Yes, she had always been there for me. And, I shall never forget that.

    6) Negative Nancy: 

    This person has a negative spin on everything in life. Spending time with this friend is guaranteed to put you down for the next few days.

    I remember, feeling mentally exhausted after hanging out with Andrea (again!). After having a thousand (if not more) conversations with her about changing her behaviour, the effects were short-lived.

    7) They manipulate situations to their advantage:

    Ever have a friend that often gives you backhanded compliments?

    For instance- how you walk, talk or how you’re “too kind” (or calls you stupid, dumb, weak, whatever negative phrases you can think of that’s hurtful and untrue).

    To make things worse, they will refuse to take accountability for their hateful remarks and, in turn, comment, “you can’t take a joke.” Somehow, they manipulate you in believing that you are the problem. 

    8) They don’t appreciate or recognize the things you do for them

    Toxic friends/people don’t value the time you give and your relationship.

    This friend expects to hang out at their convenience. They completely discard your current feeling/situation—not taking no for an answer or guilt-tripping you into saying yes. Sayings things like, “if you care for me, you will go out with me.” Looking back, I realize it was unhealthy and manipulative. 

    9) They are lazy and unfocused

    In the words of Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If your friends aren’t pushing you and helping you grow, then it’s time to change your circle. Always remember, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. 

    And Finally,

    10) If you think of them when reading this post.

    Saving The Friendship Vs. Letting Them Go?

    “An apology is changed behaviour.” The mantra that has made seemingly complicated decisions easier for me. 

    Here are some of the things you can do too if you are ever at crossroads about a friend:

    1) Talk It Out

    Have a heart-to-heart conversation (on text or in real life, wherever you are most comfortable) to discuss issues in your relationship with that friend, and how the both of you plan to address them going forward. If the said friend agrees to changes moving forward, reconsider ending the friendship. If not, say goodbye and move on.

    2) Distance Yourself

    Begin to distance yourself away from them, and mix with a new circle of friends. In the end, trust your gut. It never lies. 

    3) BREAK UP!

    Tell them that you are ending the friendship, and why. Block all methods of contact with them. Yes, even social media. This is ONLY for the friends who have shown that they have little to no capacity to change, those who are toxic and have issues of their own that you cannot or do not feel qualified to solve.

    My Final Thoughts 

     Remember, you come first. Always.

    Life is short. There is no time for toxicity. Get out there and look for friends who value you for who you are, and make sure you feel the same way about them. Above all, you deserve friendships deeper and complex than the toxic ones.

    Look for people who raise you and make you feel like you want to raise them.

    And remember— if it feels off, it probably is.

    Learn the lessons and say goodbye. If you are feeling incredibly brave, say even “thank you.” Thank you for teaching me what not to accept and tolerate again. 

    In conclusion, I can testify that the months following the time I got rid of my toxic friendships – I felt confident, happy & optimistic. Things every human being deserves to feel always.

    How did you spot a toxic friend in your life? How have you recognized toxic friendships? What were the signs? 

    xx

    Yachna

    P.S.

    Put. Yourself. First. Always.

    (Illustrations by aolanow. Pictures Gossip Girl, Clueless, Mean Girls)

  • How Do You Know Your Partner Is The One?

    How Do You Know Your Partner Is The One?

    Previously, we have talked about various things such as dating, ghosting and pregnancy. Lately, I have been mulling over the question: How do you know when a person is right for you? What makes a partner the one?

    Anytime a couple that has been together for a long time tells the story of how they met, they can always pinpoint the moment in which they knew they found “the one.”

    It’s said, there is that moment of clarity, where you realize you would rather be with this person than anyone else in the world. However, there are also many small moments leading up to such an incredible epiphany.

    Keeping that in mind, I reached out to a few couples (friends, acquaintances and strangers) to share their answers to THE question. Their answers melted my heart, surprised and amused me…

    It felt inevitable. 

    “I knew he was special when our first date lasted five hours, and we had already planned our second date two days later. Fast forward four months later on one busy Friday evening, we were standing in line to pay for Costco’s taco kit. I was going to ask him a question, and he cut me off and asked, ” what do you want for dessert?”, to which I replied, “ice-cream,” He then said to answer your previous question, “No.” I looked at him, surprised and said, “What was that the answer to?”. To that, he replied, “No, I don’t want fries!” That’s when I knew he was the one!” Jasmeet

    Photography by Aspen & Ash Photography

    We always knew.

    We met when I was 15. And, had known each other for quite a few years. We had pretty much always crushed on each other till we finally got together when I was 19. We were still dating other people but always felt this pullback to each other when we were single.

     He always told me there were these little moments that confirmed in his mind I was the one. Four months in dating each other, we confessed we loved each other. However, I knew he was the one when I opened up to him about my sexual assault as a child six months into dating. 

    I was going to court against my abuser. I knew that if there was ever a moment that could break our relationship, this was it. But, he never hesitated. Instead, he showed his full love and support for me. I had a preliminary trial that lasted three days not long after I told him about it, which progressed into three more days of court and years of fighting for justice. He was there every day, every step of the way. He was the one he was home. And, seeing him accept and love me without hesitating despite the PTSD I faced, and the anxiety of it all told me he would love me forever. 

    He was the one. He proposed a year later. And have been married for six years. We haven’t looked back since. We’ve created a new life together.” Meghan

    We started off as friends.

    “We met at the most unexpected moment of my life. It was not love at first sight, nor did I get butterflies when we first met. He was actually my designated driver for the party we were going to that night. We did start to form a connection during the party, danced a bit, and even pecked a kiss. However, in my mind, it was all still friendly.

    I knew that this man could potentially be my lover because of how naturally everything came into play. I felt like we became really good friends right away, and then the intimacy later developed around our already evolved friendship.

    I knew Nacho was the guy for me when he started to bring me food every weekend or invited me to his place to eat because he knew I was too busy to cook for myself. As funny as it sounds, I saw his genuine care for me as a person, and I knew that if I want to go anywhere in life, having someone who supports me would be essential, and to see that so early on in our relationship was really comforting.

    We are closer than ever now, he is my best friend and lover in one. We motivate each other to achieve our goals and support one another along the way, I could not have asked for a better partner in this life journey.” Shabo

    He has always been the one.

    Paawan and I were classmates, and one day out of the blue, he just asked me out. I think we both were 13 years old then. We were not in love when we started going out, but gradually it turned into that.

    However, we broke up when we were 17. Not that we didn’t love each other. That, I was moving away to a boarding school in a different city. The long-distanc didn’t work. I was devastated after the breakup. Years passed, and, both of us had our separate lives. We moved on and dated other people.

     I knew he was the one when my other relationship ended. I was contemplating the kind of partner I wanted in my life. And all my answers led to him. 

    When I was at my lowest in life, he was there to pick me up. I remember a particular night when I was feeling the lowest I ever had in my life. That night, he stayed with me on call the entire night. After that night, I decided I wanted to give us another chance. We discussed it, and a few weeks later, he asked me out again, and I said yes, and there’s been no looking back since then!” Sidi

    I just knew she was my person.

    “My partner and I matched on Tinder. She charmed her way into my life and became a significant part of it very quickly. She is captivating, caring, adventurous, extremely beautiful, and we “get” each other. I can’t help but wonder, “how did I get so lucky?”

    This February, we went for a weekend getaway to Banff. And, one big thing about me is that I LOVE mountains. Being there with her, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I was mesmerized with her more than mountains, and I didn’t think that was ever possible. And, the most beautiful part of it all is that admitted to feeling precisely the same way. There’s no guessing, no games, just a mutual knowledge that this is it. It’s us from now on.” Charlotte

    These stories were simply beautiful. Talking to actual humans made the answer to a seemingly complex question so much more straightforward than google. I would love to open the floor for anyone that wants to share their stories.

    Are you currently in a relationship? How did you know your partner was the one? I would love to know.

    P.S.

    A super awesome dating tip.

     

    xx

    Yachna

  • Do You Take Yourself On Dates?

    Do You Take Yourself On Dates?

    I am going to give you the best dating advice. Before you date someone else, consider taking yourself out on dates.

    When I first moved to Edmonton, I felt very lonely and sad. I deeply missed my old life-family, friends and everything in between. 

    Having no friends, in my free time, I would go for long walks. During those walks, I would stumble upon parks, cafes and art galleries. The daily ritual of going for long walks and exploring the city soon turned into a beautiful necessity I looked forward to. 

    I look back now and am grateful – in enacting that small ritual, through it, I was saying, “yes, I matter,” even when I felt tiny in that stage of my life. 

    Fast forward to the present, I have realized that when we start dating someone, we want to know everything about the person we are dating. We go on several dates with that person. We have such keen curiosity about learning everything about our partner’s likes, dislikes, hobbies and passion.

    But how often do we look within with the same curiosity? Today, I want you to plan your most ideal date: a hike, a gourmet meal or a wine tasting. As for me, it’s usually one the following:

    1) Live Theatre:

     In my very first semester of university, I had an assignment- to write an analysis of Shakespeare’s Hamlet- a live theatre performance. Not having been to a live theatre show, I was beyond excited. I remember being mesmerized with the whole experience. I had never experienced anything like it. Up next on my list are Les Miserables, The Lion King and Moulin Rouge. 

    2) A City Gateway 

    A few years ago, I had a layover in Dallas for a few hours, which later extended for 12 hours. Staying at the airport for that long just seemed like a drag. So, I decided to get a train pass to Dallas city. I took a train to the downtown, went to the Dallas Museum Of Art. Followed by lunch at this nice pizza place and then some chocolate ice cream for dessert. 

    Had it not been for the delay in my flight, I don’t think I would have made the deliberate effort to explore Dallas. Since then, I have taken mini trips to different cities. I also just really love something about feeling anonymous in a new city. 

    3) A Picnic

    One of the downfalls of living in Edmonton is that we rarely have sunshine here. So, during summers I love to pack a picnic with my favourite snacks, drinks and a book in a local park. And, just soak in all the sun I can. I usually go home after sunset. Easily one of my favourite solo dates. After every picnic, I always say to myself, “I need to do this more often.”

    4) Cocktail and Dessert

    Last year, my friend and I planned a girl’s date night at a local lounge. It was a beautiful Saturday night, and I pulled out my favourite dress and my best shoes. Soon after I got to the bar, my friend cancelled due to a last-minute emergency. 

    Having already been sitting at the bar for 10 odd minutes, it seemed silly to not order a drink. The thing is, I had never been to a bar by myself. So, I felt very awkward sitting there by myself. But, one drink turned into several paired with a chocolate mousse. That night I thought to myself, “why haven’t I done this before?” Honestly, it was such a sanity-saving, luxurious evening, and even just remembering it brings a smile on my face. It’s one of the best dates I’ve ever had.

    5) Home Cooked Candle Night Dinner

     Sometimes the best nights you will spend are the ones that you spend with yourself in the warmth and comfort of your home. Treat yourself to a home-cooked candlelight gourmet meal with a glass of wine and just enjoy the night. I think it’s essential to cook that beautiful meal, even if it’s just you. After all, the most important and significant relationship you have is the one with yourself. 

    6) Movie & Dinner

    When I was in high school, my brother would often go for afternoon movie matinees solo. I found it unusual and weird at the same time. I had never seen anyone go for a movie alone. It was always a social thing. He would never wait around for his friends to go for movies; he would just do it if he felt like it. Following his footsteps, I started going for movies solo, followed by dinner. A perfect date that you could never go wrong with.

    What are some of your solo date night ideas? I would love to know.

    P.S.

    You are your soul mate.

    xx

    Yachna

  • My Brother’s Awesome Dating Tip.

    My Brother’s Awesome Dating Tip.

    Last week, I talked about ghosting, so I figured I’d share my brother’s awesome dating tip this week. A few months ago, my brother said something that changed the way I approached dating-

    I had a crush on this guy, let’s call him Nate (smart, shy, cute smile). After having a crush on him for a few months, I decided to take it to the next level and initiated a casual coffee date.

    Fast forward, a few dates later, we were flirting over the text all the time. I would smile ear to ear, seeing Nate’s name pop up on my screen. However, not being too fond of texting, I decided one day to propose speaking over the phone. 

    That evening, I began analyzing my game plan: how I should phrase the question, what would sound confident without coming on too strong. “Be casual and playful” was the mantra I had in mind while I mulled over the little details for a half an hour before finally sending the text.

    So, I finally asked the question. Actually, I typed and deleted it several times until I built up the courage to finally say it. “Call me tonight- I wanna hear your voice.” 

    What evolved over the next two hours was the constant overanalyzing of the text in question. “this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have texted him at all,” I muttered to myself, glancing at the blank screen, eagerly waiting for his reply.

    Later that night, six hours and still no response later, I couldn’t stop wondering, “Was I asking for too much too soon?”, “did I sound needy”? yadi yada yada. All these questions were enough to make my mind explode. 

     Upon filling in my brother with the details of this situation, he casually replied,” “Here’s the thing with dating: they either like you or don’t.”

    It seems so silly and obvious. However, it was totally liberating. When we start a new relationship (or a friendship), we tend to sweat and over analyze every little detail. For instance, the timing of your text message, the way you say hello, what to wear for the date, what to say over a text message or on a date. After all, it’s either fuck yes or a simple no.

    Anytime I am dating someone, I find myself reflecting on every little detail when I should just be relaxing and enjoying it. The truth is, what I say in a text won’t change their feelings about me. 

    Once I started just being my weird self, I had so much more fun dating.  I chose not to sweat the details. I would order that burger instead of the salad, make those silly quirky jokes, and send a double text if I felt like it. As my brother said, if he liked me, he did (and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t). 

    As a single gal, I have FINALLY realized, “if it’s not a yes, it’s a no,” the pressure was off. No more mixed messages, no more interpreting phone calls, texts, emails. If it’s a “maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or any other variation, it’s a no. 

    This simple tip has freed me from overthinking and second-guessing every tiny detail.

    What do you think? What wise dating advice have you heard? And what’s your relationship status these days? Is anyone dating right now?

    P.S.

    Overanalyzing kills magic. Savour the present.

    xx

    Yachna 

    Featured Image: Pierrot Le Fou (1965)